WHERE IS EDEN: Human Nature

Stranger

2008-04-25T08:13:00.002-04:00

I have come to a more full realization that I am a stranger - an alien - and that is not going to change anytime soon. In a culture in which sex is embedded into every fiber of our beings - where virgins are outcasts and sold-out believers are naive, some days it makes me want to gnaw my arm off, because if I could do that I would not be convinced that I'm Alice falling through the tree to Wonderland...

Why the angst you ask?

Recently I have been observing the lives of my friends and colleagues and professional associates and I am finding more and more how much Jesus is just a 'church' thing for many and less actual living - how it's cool to grab the blessings, but not the commandments, and how sadly the biggest thing that keeps people out of the Kingdom is us. As a body it makes me sad that we are full of judgment and condemnation toward others, yet our eyes have poles the size of radio towers and we see nothing of our own ugliness.

Ugh - I could talk for hours, but alas, free WI-FI is interfering with work I have to do.
Until next time...

and even longer...

2007-11-12T08:38:00.000-05:00

hello hello blogging world. I've been gone so long I'm not even sure if I remember how to effectively do this...I seem to remember that I combined satire with cynicism with my idealistic romanticism...and somewhere along the lines I told the truth and we got some laughs. Now I think I'm less idealistic...why? because human nature will jack us all up. But perhaps when I get the net back at home (because right now driving around at night searching for a wi-fi signal isn't cool) I'll become more regular.

But some updates nonetheless...

I have found that if you wait long enough - the retribution or vindication that you've hoped for will eventually happen - Jesus brings about the healing of old wounds in the most unexpected of ways.

I have learned that if you treat people kindly - like the way that Jesus said to do - then their expectations of you or their suppositions will change and they will be flabbergasted that even though you're a Jesus freak, you're not the self-righteous, politicial bigot that they assumed you'd be.

I have learned that not everyone who claims to be spiritual is actually hearing from him. Though this is something I already knew - reinforcement comes often.

I have learned that our choices bring consequences - regardless of whether we want to live in a fantasy world while we're making them...

I've learned that not every relationship you covet is covet-worthy. Sometimes, even if you think you've got no grass on your side of the fence, your seeds are greener...trust that.

I have learned that we invite crazy into our lives - we don't like to admit it, but we do.

I've learned that God's grace is consistent - but don't take it for granted...

I've learned more, but they would all contain explitives...and right now we're on another vibe, so I'll leave it at that!

But maybe a couple more for the road...

I've learned how crack is made.
I've learned the going value for marijuana and one ounce of the white stuff.
I've learned that addicts really do have something different going on in the brain.
I've learned that the trust you try to build with friends is easier won with inmates.
I've learned that even murderers have remorse, even if liars don't...go figure!
I've learned that if your clients think you're gullible, they'lll continue to treat you as such.
Um...ok - the rest would be wrong, so I'll really leave it at this for now.

It's been so long!!!!

2007-05-13T14:15:00.000-04:00

This being a grown up thing - I'm telling ya it's odd stuff. It has been more than five weeks since I've last posted - because my situation has not changed. I'm still without internet at home and have been reduced to being a user of it only when I'm at my parent's house...and I can use theirs. But back to being a grown up - the MTV reality show REAL WORLD should go back retroactively to the way the show was when it first started - move people into homes, who already have real jobs and real things going on and see what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real. Because what's on their now is fantasy land.

Has anyone watched Charm School? My goodness...that and Adventures in Hollyhood make me wonder about the present state of our generation....chitlin comes in all shapes, colors and sizes for real. I don't know why I'm asking though because I won't be able to see any of ya'll's responses until I'm back at a parental's house...oh well...perhaps I should stop typing...

Anywho just thought I'd shake the dust off and post a thing or two. I hope you all are well. :)

B

what a feeling...

2007-04-06T18:35:00.000-04:00

keys underneath my fingertips...letters turning into words, appearing before my eyes on the screen...it has been so long...my absence was not purposeful, nor was it wanted. It was in involuntary fast from the internet...why? Because the people with the great wireless network moved almost three weeks ago...and there is no dial up...why? Because there is no phone...

I hope to see you all again...real soon.

same old same old

2007-03-21T20:22:00.000-04:00

Ok...I'm watching some music video channel as they follow the group "pretty ricky" and in watching them I realize how much the mentality has permiated the young minds in our society...gracious...I mean really...bubbles in the tub...makin love...ya'll just got out of puberty...

They have lyrics that say "I wanna drill you...open up your legs..."

I mean what the hay for real???

cat clock; words to inspire; images

2007-03-20T18:45:00.000-04:00

I think my cat has an internal clock that tells her when 6:15am is. However, I think her clock got jacked when the daylight savings time creeped in. Now she thinks 5:15 is 6:15 and she's refusing to eat dry food so she meows like a tantrum-tossing child. The funny thing is, with daylight savings, you'd think she'd be hungry at 7:15, and not 6:15...

I find it necessary at times to post encouraging things near me...

On my desk I write a phrase every week (on a yellow post-it) and leave it up all week to meditate on...at least that is what I am supposed to do with it...this week says "Choosing to forgive and having hope." Hope is the fun part - because it means daring yourself to have expectations again where maybe you've allowed expectations to die before. The choosing to forgive, however, on some days seems like is all for the birds and the birds alone...

On my cell phone I have a picture of wine - not because I'm a lush, but because my cell phone provider has provided :) several pictures to be used as wallpapers. This one came quite in handy for the banner "Possibilities" that I've put above it. Why possibilities? Because Jesus turned water into wine - and the bigger picture in the allegory - if that's what He can do with water - two hydrogens, one oxygen - then imagine what He can do with me...

MANIC MONDAYS, ENCOURAGEMENT, FIGHT THE POWER & CLMA

2007-03-20T18:43:00.000-04:00

Ever wake up at 6am and feel so tired that your eyes refuse to open and then you feed the cat, eat breakfast, go back to your room and close your eyes to "rest a little while" only to hear the sound of the Today Show coming on your television, reminding you that it is now 7am and you are falling behind schedule? And then, if all that applies, ever sit there and realize that on top of all of that, it's freakin Monday?? Over the weekend I was greatly encouraged by the young adult ministry director of a church that has had several of its young women attend the women's retreats over the years. She was excited for us going into another year and was appreciative and very Barnabas-like in letting me know that yes, there is a need for young women in that age group, and though it's hard it's worth it.

I am noticing that I have to fight the urge to go back to resentment and anger - the urge sits in the corner while you're going on with the rest of your life - your regular and not-so-regular daily activities. The urge gets hungry after several days/weeks/months in which you have not returned to bitter-hill and when hungry enough, it tries to return.

Bad odors tend to waft...all the way down the hall...even though the company bathroom is a good 100 feet from your office door. Even with the spray, it's still coming...

The oil light doesn't always mean your car is in need of more oil. Sometimes it's an indicator that you've got a bad sensor. Ha ha - that makes me think about discernment...my own and other people's...lol!!! Get it?

At a very recent meeting of the newly formed CMLA

Me: "Good day everyone...my name is B."

Everyone: "Hi B!"

Me: "And I...am a Chronic List-Maker..."

Everyone (feverishly writing notes on paper): "Is that little b or Big B?..."How many letters are in B?...Is there a silent 'e' in B?"

Tis enough for now folks. Thanks for reading.

Anniversary

2007-03-12T07:00:00.000-04:00

I've been on here exactly a year yesterday. No book deal yet. Hmm. Where am I a year later? Well, I have a job. That is good. I'm no longer seething about my family's dysfunctional-ness...that is good. I still have not regained friends lost...that sucks. I've managed to lose more. That sucks even more. I'm still apparently on the "let's be polite but not genuine list" which is ridiculous. I'd rather you not hug me for the purpose of appearing polite but inside are a ravenous wolf - really. Let's not patronize me or anyone else. So that's the same a year later too...I'm a lawyer now and that wasn't true when I started...well technically I guess it may have been - the test was passed, but I was not yet sworn in...I was 25 and now I'm 26 - that's different. I live across the street. That's different. I'm in the same zip code - that's the same. I have a cat - that's different. My hair is black/brown - that is different and yet I'm still waiting for the rest of that to change back. Last year I had the small group going painfully slow through Esther. This year, it's Daniel...and possibly next year too. (It's just about double the size!). Ok, that's it for now. Happy Anniversary (Tony Toni Tone) version.

...

2007-03-11T16:55:00.000-04:00

Ever feel like the Lord took sides...and it wasn't yours?

In Review

2007-03-10T10:42:00.000-05:00

This week I...

Saw a great movie (unfortunately it had too many gratuitous sex scenes)

Was informed that a client wants to file a civil suit and has filed a complaint with the DC

I got to see the product of really bad lawyering

I will have to be in the same room with a cliche of lying self-righteous attention seekers

Got a great massage for half the price I anticipated it would be

Heard one potential speaker can't make it

Got some good rest

Laughed out loud a few times

Found out what it was like to be popular at work, even if only fleetingly

Said the long form of "mofo" when repeating a conversation between family

Found out my estranged stepmom is leaving Los Angeles

And that my brother may be leaving too

Read through 6 transcripts

Talked to a couple clients in prison

Had my first staff meeting

Washed the cat

Drank a cinnamon latte with bovine growth hormone

Wore a clown nose while doing my work at the office

Got a pedicure

That's a lot you know...for real.

Cranio-Seca

2007-03-09T06:33:00.000-05:00

Don't know if that's the correct way to spell it, but IT was absolutely great! It's been over a year since I went to my massage therapist, but it was woo hoo good. I fell asleep on the table. And my ecstasy would have lasted longer, but then I started getting all these legal questions from people and they wanted to talk about them and I had to tell them I could not give them legal advice in those areas because of the fact that I am not insured to practice that type of law, but I advised them how I would if I were a normal human being no legal eagle included. I wanted to come home and get in bed and watch Idol results but alas, that did not happen because I was "researching."

Next time, when I turn my phone off for the massage, I'm turning it off for the rest of the night. Sho nuff.

It almost literally makes my blood boil...

2007-03-09T06:23:00.000-05:00

So my mentor asks that I accompany her to a speaking event. I tell her yes, but part of me knows that she knows her son will be there and so she doesn't want to tell me that. And by golly gee I am right. Last night I get a call from the current head of the group I used to work, heck, founded and he wanted me to come to honor her for doing all she has done for students over the years and because it's her birthday. I called him and told him that I was already coming because she wanted me to come with her. And then midconversation he tells me "Asshole says Hi" though he uses the actual name of his friend, not "asshole." And I didn't say hi back. That may have been rude, but he so lovingly ordered me not to speak to him again until I get over being a martyr...and now his self-righteous behind is being smug. I hate even the thought of him. Please pray I don't give him what he deserves when I see him - what is that? A good cuss out and telling him his stuff stinks because he obviously doesn't think it does.

I will not be IGNORED, Dan!

2007-03-07T20:12:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend I watched Fatal Attraction in its entirety for the first time and dang...I mean, that was a jacked up situation for both of them, boiled bunnies, slit wrists, acid wrecked cars...I mean, it was all there. Who do you blame? Obviously both parties, because he should have known better - you don't sleep around with some other woman when you are married...you just don't. But then again, she should have known better too - you don't get with a man who is married and you know that going into the thing. Sex is a powerful thing, powerful thing, which is precisely why it shouldn't happen where there is no covenant committment. I don't know if ya'll have seen it or not, but it's no joke...stuff got serious and both of them seemed really upset and aguished about it. He thought it unbelievable that she would not leave him alone and didn't understand why their fling could not extend beyond their first weekend of passion. And she was distraught about the fact that he would not be with her or return her phone calls. Neither should have expected for the other one to act in the manner that they hoped. The fact that they were in the relationship in the first place should have shown both of them that the other one would not respond in any way other than the way they were responding. She knew he was taken, so why expect him to balk when she wanted more. He knew she was willing to be with him despite his wife, so why get upset when she won't leave him alone? But, I think it's true to life, it's what human beings do, remain or continue to strive when you know on the front end that the outcome will not be different than what facts you already know.

Some other tidbits...

Way too many people in America have guns...

You can say the same thing as someone else but the difference can be how you say it. You can say it with grace and salt which is favorable and preserves, or you can say it with lemon juice and vinegar, which hurts and is stinky...you can say the same thing, but end up with totally different results.

Sports can make you popular!

The Lord does bring vengeance, and you need not lift a finger.

Strange But True

2007-03-06T18:34:00.000-05:00

I saved two salt packets that came with those large bread pretzels that you get at state fairs or at the movies. The label and ingredients were as follows:

PRETZEL SALT

CONTAINS: Salt

Then today, while attempting to operate the "automatic" paper towel dispenser in the restroom, I realized that the roll of paper was stuck and there was no paper hanging out of the dispenser to grab. So, I reached over to the side of the dispenser and began to turn the knob on the side to manually roll the paper to get some to come out. But, today, for the first time, I read the little print on the front of the dispenser than contains instructions for people in situations just like mine. It said:

EMERGENCY KNOB ON SIDE...

There was no need for me to continue, because the word "EMERGENCY" struck a vivid picture in my head of me going: AAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP HELP I'M IN THE BATHROOM AND MY HANDS ARE WET AND THE PAPER TOWELS ARE STUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO OPEN THE DOOR???

Thanks for stopping by.

Near Eruptions

2007-03-06T18:24:00.000-05:00

I have noticed lately that sometimes anger comes in waves. After lying dormant for some time, like a volcano that hasn't been active in years, it just explodes in gulping gush after gush and good gracious, it sucks. There are days where I believe that my fury could fuel twelve rounds for a prize fighter. And in my mind I say everything that the object of my anger should hear, and I say with perfect eloquence and clarity - things that my poor piddling self has seldom dared to actually say to anyone. In my head I think "get it girl - that was good!" I am so involved, going over my rehearsed hashings, that I have to snap out of it, return to reality and think dang...where in the hell did that come from? It makes me believe that on some days, I need therapy, which I have at ready access since I am a state employee, but then almost as quickly as it comes, it goes down again. Repression, I think is the clinical term.

The reality is, that sometimes people suck and they could give a flip about their suckiness and to the extent I can do anything I should make an attempt to deal with those core emotionsso that the volcano dies forever. But I think some small part of me - strike that - I know that some small/medium part of me wants to see their bum get sparked by some of that hot lava...

Deeper Things

2007-03-05T19:18:00.000-05:00

Ok so over the past several months I have been giving lack-luster posts, full of little that's actually interesting. So I thought that I would turn over a new leaf and start getting back to the deeper things of life - the more important, substantive, eloquently written and delicously stimulating to the mind...

What have I got to say? At the moment, nothing. Dang.

Massage is calling...

2007-03-01T18:35:00.000-05:00

Ever watch the next show - it's ridiculous...uggggg

So today while reading away I felt the all too familiar sharp pain in my head and tightness in my shoulders. How I hate stress and the way I take it. I think I need a new chair - one that keeps me from hunging over like quasimoto while I'm reading cases and transcripts...my posture sucks now. Perhaps I'm getting shorter...anywho i called my massage therapist and she actually remembered me! Maybe she's wondering where I've been...no money girl, no money. Not that I have it now - loans are a mug and a half, but before I end up in chronic pain, I need to be stretched out on a table and beaten within an inch of my life - to get the strain out. Appt next Thursday - I can't wait.

You know that commercial where the plastic dolls are inside pregnant ice women and as the ice women melt the babies fall out? I think I'm going to go to those websites - truth and debunkify the myths - I think they are related...both have that shocking orange color as their symbol...anywho the point about the commercial. The ice women were put together in levels - They likely came from molds and then were melded together. When they fall, it's dramatic so people pay attention, but if they would have chipped the women out of one ice casing I think the effect may have been comical rather than heavy and deep because as the ice melted eventually the baby would be hanging almost suspended in mid air with a melting pyramid of ice beneath it and then it would look like a demi-god, perhaps...

Nothing really deep or mega awesome to say today. My head hurts.

Sometimes I wonder...

2007-02-28T21:23:00.000-05:00

what it would be like if I just stopped living into people's expectations - stopped being exactly what they wanted and stopped reacting like they want me to - jumping when they want me to jump skipping when skippeth is required...folks would be pissed off to the highest level of pississipy. And it's not that I try to be the person folks think I should, but there are days when I just can't do it all and I hate the sound in folks' voice when I am having one of those moments...oh dependable b...but today not here for me...snizzlefreakinfritz

And it keeps on

2007-02-28T19:17:00.000-05:00

Today random song lyrics were dancing through my head. Want to hear them? The first one was this:

"As coroner, I must concur, I thoroughly examined her and she's not only merely dead; she's really and truly, sincerely dead." (wizard of oz)

And the second was:

"You'll hope, while I worry; you'll pray, while I plan; we'll do what's necessary cuz even a miracle needs a hand." (can't remember the name of the christmas special where a mouse made santa not show up)

Today I noticed that the pencil I wrote with is called the "Black Warrior." Interesting I think in that I work in a profession where black young people are often incarcerated in less than warrior-type fashion. Ironic.

Today a client threatened to sue me. Though I don't believe I have done anything worth being sued for, my heart did flutter a bit. we shall see what transpires. I'll keep you updated.

You know, the heavy truth of this Jesus kind of life is not widely accepted or often followed and when proclaimed it tends to come off in ways that far detract from the Original. It may seem like on this end, the advantage is not ours. But we, unlike those not in our situation, must believe the hype.

Back in the game...

2007-02-26T18:47:00.000-05:00

ok, so a couple days after complaining about my lack of social activity, today I did it. I put a foot out there. I joined the volleyball team at work. Woo hooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's been 8 long years since I stepped foot on a volleyball court. I told the coach I played from 8 years to 19 and she got excited... I doubt I'll live up to the hype though - sista is old these days and much conditioning is necessary...

Hoping to help - if you eat Italian sausage any time in the future, make sure you read the package to see if it's too hot first...

Match requests communication...

Good reading: The Divine Conspiracy - i'll post the author later.

Did you guys watch the news today. Some film-makers journalists say they have found the tomb of Jesus, Mary Omni (magdeline) Mary (His mother) and a brother named Josi and Judah - supposedly the son of Jesus and Mary Omni. There were no bones in any of the tombs, but apparently they were found in the 1980's. None of the claims have been verified/substantiated though as far as who exactly the tombs were for. Wait, just wait. Soon folks will be coming out of the woodwork saying that He wasn't who He said He was...it comes quickly.

Ya ya ya ya ya ya

2007-02-25T20:57:00.000-05:00

This friendship thing is yanking my chain. A friend left a message on my cell phone about possibly staying at our place while she was here passing through Columbus...and I am thoroughly confused. She wasn't spoken to me in a hot minute and ugh I'm just tired of this.

My mother let me know ever so sweetly that maybe I need to go out more. She said it nicely and she cared when she said it, but the places I have gone out are not places for making long lasting friend connections. I took myself to the movies yesterday - something that I don't mind doing when it feels like a choice to do it, but when I do it because I have no social circle that makes me sad. The movie I saw was very thoughtproviking though and I dug it. However, it was probably not what I should have gone to see, knowing my own compulsive thought patterns. The Number 23. It follows the pattern of a Beautiful Mind and Proof and other mental thrillers - psychological I guess is a better word - better than "mental." Anywho it was a good movie - different than what I thought and it leaves room for a sequal, but the fact that I had to take myself to the movies made me a bit sad. :( But as long as there are movies I want to see and as long as I am who I am I will continue to go to them...with myself.

As I was driving back from the movie I drove past a cop who had pulled over some young man. the guy was out of his car while the officer was in his cruiser. But he was not handcuffed (the man) which tells you that he was not a minority doesn't it??? Yeah, cuz we don't get the luxury to of being able to stand outside the vehicle with no cuffs while the officer turns his back and gets in his car. Anywho - the significance is that a whole line of traffic was behind them and went back for a quarter mile. They were all just watching the scene rather than driving. And I thought about how we love to watch train wrecks...especially when they aren't ours.

I would have more profound things to say, but I'm watching the Oscars. So there you go.

La la til later.
B

la la la

2007-02-22T18:34:00.000-05:00

Take a look at my boyfriend, he's the only I got
Take a look at my boyfriend, i never seem to get a lot...

My rendition of a relatively new Gym Class Heroes song...

So I am finding that the same problem I have with making friends is happening again. I am too much of a nerd, people think I'm aloof so they choose not to talk to me. I say hello and smile and they keep walking with a head nod. I keep my door open at work to let people know "I'm open - it's ok to talk to me" but nothing seems to work. Girls are playing volleyball on the office team and folks ask others to join...I love the game, but I've been bitten too many times to volunteer "hey, can I play?" Plus it's been years. I probably suck by now. I hear plans being made in the halls - folks chuckin it up and laughing and I...I sit alone, doing my work in my office. People drop into the offices of others - talk it up...I sit alone. I stop by and say hi or ask stupid questions just for the sake of asking...and nothing.

Today I had a lack luster day - folks are sending congratulations emails and notes posting them up and I have yet to have a successful appeal or other petition that I do...ugh... at times I have flashbacks and think "I don't have a flopping idea what I'm doing, and one of these days someone is going to see that..." I have a meeting with the girlfriend of a client tomorrow...I hope not to look stupid.

I have scared yet another friend off again...I hate that it happens over and over again. I haven't talked to her since she told me about her new boo. The old me would have freaked out, trying to do anything - everything to try to fix it - to reach out and mend things over. But right now I don't give a hot piece of dookie...dang. That's wrong.

Time to let my eyes rest - they hurt.

Updates

2007-02-20T18:40:00.000-05:00

I had a client who requested that I recuse myself from his case because he believes I was not loyal... I'm not concerned about the fact that he was upset. But the first disgruntled client wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...he will probably file a grievance, but that's ok too.

I am trying to be calm about the dude talking to my little bro - I am trying my best. It still pisses me off but I'm trying not to cuss him out with blessings from on high...

I think the stuff with Anna Nicole is really sad.

I had more to say, but I think yet again, I am drained.

i could spit

2007-02-19T22:07:00.000-05:00

razors. I could spit freakin razors. that same lame coward of a man who called me a witch, then blocked me from AIM and got me manipulatively removed from two ministry teams has been communicating with my little brother out in Cali. I could REALLY SPIT FREAKIN RAZORS! I loathe this person and they've basically shit on me and they are STILL chumming it up with my little brother. I am past and beyond pissed. I could cry scream and if I remembered his phone number ream him a new asshole for doing this ish...I really could.

And there was one...

2007-02-17T22:48:00.000-05:00

Washington DC and Columbus, yes Columbus Ohio are tied for the number 2 BEST city for African American families. Can you believe it???? Cleveland is the worst city in the country for Black families - funny how number 2 and the absolute worst can be only 2 and 1/2 hours away, but tis true I hear.

Amazing! I had it backwards. I was setting up shop in the family city before I actually had the family part down...perhaps I should make a move to Atlanta or Chi-town or New York to...nevermind. I'm being fececious...and I think I spelled that wrong on top of it all.

You get props from me...

2007-02-17T08:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday while I was walking down the street, through the ice cold slush I saw a brotha help a sista down off a parking lot lift that was about two feet off the ground. The hot thing about it was that he was just a stranger, walking by. He stopped held out his hand, grabbed hers and helped her down, and then kept walking. She smiled all the way down the sidewalk. It was great.

and uh...again

2007-02-14T20:04:00.000-05:00

The definition of "prudent" is: wise or judicious in practical affairs; discreet, somber, sober; careful in providing for the future, provident.

Prude: A person who is excessively modest in speech, conduct, dress.

I think I'm the first, but I fear some believe I am the second - or an icebox, or such a killjoy...

Long skirts, high button boots, gloves up to my elbows - no need to show any skin. high collared shirts with lacy frilly tops...prude.

I had a friend who is in a new relationship and told me via email after months of hurrying off the phone with me and avoiding my questions when I asked about what was going on in her life...my response to her was not happy happy joy joy and she'll likely be upset when she reads it, though she's probably already read it...and you know what, for a while it upset me - I felt bad for not clapping my hands and jumping up and down - but now it's whatever...

Love is in the air..

2007-02-14T19:15:00.000-05:00

my little bro - the youngest boy - has a girlfriend. For Valentine's Day he bought her a tiny pink treasure chest in which he will be putting tiny pink keyed earrings and an adult sized box of chocolate candies to go with it. He got this while my mother was on business in Utah...she comes back and sees all he's going to give her. The conversation...like this:

Mom: J**** who is all this for?

J****: my girlfriend

Mom: All this?

J****: Mom, when I come I gotta come correct!

Someone help me.

Top it off, my little sister told me she needs a lifesize boy doll to lay with - because she gets scared at night and would like a husband to keep her safe.

And it keeps on snowing...

2007-02-14T06:46:00.000-05:00

Almost every school district in Central Ohio has closed.

OSU, for the fourth time in 20 years, has closed.

The courts in Central Ohio are closed.

State employees, however, two hour delay. Two hours later...that's when I will come in and have to pay $6 to park, instead of $4.50. I hope they just close it down all day.

Ice everywhere - cars stuck in it - a thick sheet of it covers roads, sidestreets, expressways, lawns...windshields.

It's supposed to stop sometime this morning.

You know what time it is...

2007-02-13T14:16:00.000-05:00

tomorrow is the dreaded v-day VALENTINE named after the saint supposedly who married people in secret, but history says that the holiday actually has pagan origins and invovled random sexual pairings that lasted for a year after a festival that paid homage to a god/goddess of fertility...

I do not like this holiday, regardless of how it started. Candies, chocolates, pink bears, propoganda that lets you know "IF YOU'RE NOT BUYING/RECEIVING ANY OF THIS STUFF, IT MEANS YOU DO NOT HAVE A VALENTINE!" or "YOU'RE LOVED BY ONLY BLOOD RELATIVES AND PLATONIC FRIENDS!" Lol - it's very funny.

But you know why I'm glad - one reason - it's snowing - almost level 2 snow emergency and no one will be able to go anywhere tomorrow! Ha ha - so there to all the hand holding smooching in the streets folks! You DO NOT get to relish...at least not in Central Ohio anyway!

Busted

2007-02-12T19:58:00.000-05:00

A word that describes both the driver side mirror of my car and my cell phone. "No I don't need a landline!!!" Times like this...

434, but where's the love?

2007-02-10T10:41:00.000-05:00

That is how many people have viewed my profile since I started this blog. But I guess my stuff isn't riveting enough for anyone to post a comment. Dang.

You know, when I was embittered the stuff was funnier I think it had potential...but now...not so much.

I'm an old biddy. I'm 26 and I have a cat and I knit.

Oh, but I also read.

Occasionally I'll watch a good football game. But the seasons are over and on the whole they were lack luster this year.

I have designated nights where I absolutely HAVE to watch my "shows" Thursday Sunday, and now Monday with Heroes.

I'm a happening chick.

The Rat is gone...

2007-02-10T10:35:00.000-05:00

Down the street from my job there was this huge blow up rat. Some workers of a local company have been protesting since August. I think because the wages are low and the health plans suck. They are a union, so they have a bit more protection than other employees. but they've been out there faithfully since the end of last summer. Yesterday as I was walking to get some coffee...with my bovine growth hormone in it, I passed by the street where the rat normally was. It was about thirteen feet tall and huge - kept afloat with one of those machines that blows air into big balloons. But yesterday, it wasn't there. Maybe it's the cold - it was too cold for it to stay afloat. Or maybe it was too cold for the protestors to stand out there and monitor it. Maybe someone popped it. Sadly, I did not think that it meant the wishes of the union were met. Even though highly optimistic, it's not what I thought - because that's not human nature. CEO's like to keep the cheese...hence, I think the rat.

The people in my office don't say "bless you" when someone sneezes. They don't say the other german word either. I think it's because things are so politically correct. Look at us democrats - that crazy left. We don't care about someone sneezing.

My inbox yesterday read:

Match found
Match found
Match found
Match found
Match requests communication

Sadly, I still can't bring myself to pay $60.00 for a month long trial.

I woke up this morning with a splitting eye-ache. That sucks. I should probably stop drinking coffee...people who have migraines aren't supposed to...but it's just...so good....

Yo - another ANQ sister got engaged. guess who! ?

Heat Wave!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-08T22:21:00.000-05:00

It was twelve degrees today. Bring out the bikinis!!!!

I felt like such a turncoat today. I told on my little brother...who has been smoking hooka, ghostriding on top of a moving car without a driver, and visiting gay bars with his friends just for the hell of it. I told on him like a rat - my stepmom and I had a good conversation though and she was surprised - very. I hope he doesn't hate me forever.

Moving on - today at work I was a little bored. I now see why they give people 30+ cases. Because they know that if we only have 12 or so...like I do, that we will sit there with little or nothing to do...

My cat got vaccinated today against rabies and I found out she's not a kitten she's a six month old cat...who knew? Not the adoption lady. They want to spay her now. I want to wait til she at least LOOKS like a cat. Turns out I got the runt. I always knew she was skinny, but she's very small for her age - that's what the vet said.

Once again I had so many other better things to discuss, but I'm sleepy...perming my hair was hard work.

Lastly, but not leastly...ever say stuff like "if I were ____ I would do _______." and "I see the problem with that - and if I were there, I'd do_______." The Lord answereth your surmising. Yeah He does.

Ouch

2007-02-07T07:22:00.000-05:00

I had to lather my fingertips with vaseline and sleep with socks on to keep my hands from aching...

spring spring, please come quickly - frolic on the winds...

so how come my blog was forcefully changed today? I was forced to upgrade...I resisted, but it wouldn't let me post without signing up for a google account...hhmmmm the takeover, it is, I think.

Snow snow snow

2007-02-06T18:47:00.000-05:00

Ok...where was this in late December when I had some days off and was dreaming of a white Christmas?

People in the CO cannot drive. This is a fact I have known for quite some time, but it became all too real for me today.

Blah blah blah blah blah

I had my intention of writing about some other stuff, but it has escaped me. I'll blame it on the snow.

My finger tips are cracked and bleeding. Last night they ached really badly as I went to sleep.

This kind of life...

2007-02-03T20:27:00.000-05:00

I went to First Fridays with a couple friends last night. And whoa whoa whoa it was interesting to say the least. I saw old friends, acquaintances, namesakes and "familiar" folks there. It was supposed to be a night where young black professionals get together and hang, chill, dance, drink, laugh, let off some steam...

And all that was done and more. Lu got kicked in the foot by a young woman who decided to do the splits in a jean mini skirt in the middle of the dance floor. She had a half-blonde, half-black afro and did not care that folks could see her underwear, if she was wearing any. I didn't check, nor did I care at the time.

An old classmate of mine was lit especially high and he held on a few seconds too long when I gave him a hello hug.

An old friend seemed sad and lonely, just there kicking it because the mundane ordinary everyday must be too hard to bear these days.

This guy I had a HUGE crush on sophomore year in school...part of junior year too I guess - anywho I saw him and nodded hello early in the night. He didn't remember me...until it was closing time and then he grabbed me as I was leaving and asked how I was doing. I called him by name and told him that I knew he didn't recognize me...he said "So I'd be just grabbin you for no reason?" I told him I was fine and kept walking. I should have asked him to say my name. lol

A guy from local ministry, who used to rap about being holy and sanctified was high and drunk and pawing on more than five women - at least that I saw - throughout the course of the night. He wanted to take someone home, but there were no positive responses.

In teen degree weather women were scantily clad, skin out and attitudes on. Men were prowling, looking hungry for some grade-a ass and the sad thing was, there were many who were more than willing to play the role. Some folks were strictly there to find someone to hook up with.

I sigh because for some that is as good as it gets. For others, it's just an outlet, or a distraction from crappy emotional-relationship problems, but for some...it really is as good as it gets. Dang. The game is a jacked up thing.

When it comes down to it, the stuff that was offered there was not it - not that I was going with that intention. Because I wasn't. But being there let me see how ridiculous contrived reality is - the lifestyle of the ghetto and aimless...like there's nothing more to life than having a bunch of casual sex and getting your drink on - that kickin it is the highlight of existence and the pinacle of purpose.

Today Lu and I talked about the whole marriage/sex thing, and how people have it all wrong -the reason why the prototype is jacked. The institution of marriage - not the God institution, but the man-made sign the contract (marriage license) and say the vows in front of a minister - that type of stuff, it came about at some point in time...I don't know when. But marriage made God's way is different. Back in the day, the guy made his intention known to marry the girl. He gave the family some livestock or something of value. He went away, came back in a year and then there was a huge week-long party, the two had sex to consumate the union - the actual making of the covenant and then that was that - they were married. For God, sex IS marriage...that's something we've been missing - the culture has been missing. People talk about "I don't believe in pre-marital sex." And most of the time it's used to scare kids into keeping their pants/skirts on until they've said "I do" and signed the papers. That's where we are wrong. It's not that we're not supposed to have sex until we're married. It's that when we have sex, we ARE married... The implications of that are extremely heavy - think about it. We don't teach kids that sex is marriage. We teach them that sex is just the act that we don't want them doing until they've signed the license. But think about if people taught the truth - that sex is a forming of a covenant between two people - a covenant that is never meant to be broken, or stop once it starts. Sex is not just a physical thing, but it is the epitome of intimacy bewteen two people - it is what the real deal is. Lu brought up the fact that Jesus told the woman at the well that she had "five husbands." He didn't say "you've already slept with five men before marriage." No. He called them husbands....because in the eyes of God, sex is marriage.

The reality is, license or not, sex unifies you with the other person. You are married to them - in covenant with them, and all sorts of shit starts popping off when you try to break that off or introduce another marriage partner into the deal. The piece of paper likely means little to God. Though we are told in His Word to follow the governing bodies in this life, the piece of paper to Him - nada. It's the act that makes us wed.

This makes it so much cooler when thinking of the newness of Jesus Christ - new creatures - meaning, He alone has the power to really heal the wounds of former spouses - covenants that He didn't ordain, but permitted to happen. One of the women who speaks at our retreats gave the testimony that she had slept with 256 men in her lifetime and that when she got married she prayed that God would have there be blood on the sheets, which if you know about the female anatomy and hymen you know that stuff like that, after 256, should be impossible, but she told us that the night of her wedding - the first time she slept with her husband, there was blood on the sheet. That's hot stuff too. Not saying we should all go out get some and pray for a divorce in the spirit - that's not it, but you know what I'm saying - it gives a whole new understanding to the word "redemption."

Sending a shout out to Yo - Dilbert, the comic book was hilariously funny today, and it made me think of you and your old job. Gilbert was sitting at his desk, reading a job posting and he says something like "Look, there's a job opening in the engineering department - maybe this is the end of my dead end job that's not using my potential and .... blah blah blah" And then the scene goes to his boss (who he hates) and he is sitting at his computer screen and he's thinking "Oh look, there's a manager opening in the engineering department!" HILARIOUS. You can go online and look it up - it's hot stuff!

And the band played

2007-01-31T19:14:00.000-05:00

Today a client hit on me via prison house phone call...what do I do? Well, I have to walk cautiously because I'm working on his appeal. He didn't outright say anything just ridiculous, but he did mention that he was happy he had an attorney who was decent looking and that he wanted to have lunch when this was all over...

I stayed in my office today, boarded shut up against the world and worked on briefs for another client who will likely file a grievance against me - not because I've done anything wrong, but because that's just what he does...dang.

I talked briefly with a friend yesterday who really isn't talking to me anymore - we talked for 24 seconds and she said she'd call back...woo freakin hoo

There were some other things that I wanted to write about, but I have forgotten. Such is the life of an underslept mid-twentysomething...

And so...

2007-01-29T20:16:00.000-05:00

I've been talking about troubles with my male friends...here is another.

I have an acquaintance that I used to consider a friend who would kick it with me and stuff was cool and dandy...but I was always the friend - like the home-girl - the girl he would talk about his other girlfriends with - stuff like that.

So...after breaking up with several women he makes the comment to me "I've dated almost ALL of the [women he would consider dating] here [meaning Columbus]" He said "There's only 3 of ya'll here and I've already dated two!" implicating me...

I declined to say anything about it...but anywho fast forward...

When he found a new girl to spark his fancy he quit talking to me. Then we took the bar exam together and we failed together. We studied and still he didn't talk to me at all...then we took the bar and because I was the only one there he knew, he ate lunch with me everyday and talked to me about his life and stuff. After the bar, no talking. When we got our results and got sworn in, he ignored me at the ceremony - literally. A few months later he was fired from his job - something I told him would happen almost a year earlier...a year to the date. When it happened I was the first person he called - not his girlfriend, his mother, his boys, me. Why? Because I'm always spiritually in tune with him he said. And so then after praying for him and sending him some encouraging emails he then ignored me for another several months... Fast forward eight more months and what happens? I run into him at church, he is having a pissy time in life can't find a job - was in the same position I was not too long ago. I talk to him, we hang out - I encourage him - he thanks me for being a "real friend" and then several weeks later???? Disappeared again - I am nothing once again.

This is the stuff that gets right at my issues. It's like I'm a bill that people put a payment down for and then they wait until its necessary to make a payment again. I can honestly say it helps me to see why the Lord doesn't want empty action, but actual true heart love...cuz even with friends it's wiggin me pretty bad. I mean dang...

But you know what - because I'm me, in a few more months, when hell breaks lose again his life hits the grids and he calls me...I'll be there again. Just like with all the rest.....piss!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I look at myself and just shake my head. Dang.

Another one to add to the list

2007-01-26T17:59:00.000-05:00

If you were that committed to the cause........................

you would have shown up for lunch.....

"If you were that committed to the cause..."

2007-01-22T18:25:00.000-05:00

So, lately I've been reflecting on the piss poor experiences I have had with members of the opposite sex who were supposedly "interested." And I wish I could say I'm the type who plays games, just begging to have men be upset, but I'm not. Tricks are for kids and so are mind jobs.

And with my grandmother's recent revival of her attempts to get me and an old high school crush together I talked with another friend and we've come up with a plan - a prototype - a t-shirt entitled "If you were that committed to the cause..." That would be the front side, and the back side would then list the ways that would prove the committment to the cause. You see, a lot of times I think we can sell ourselves short and settle for sub-par pursuing because we think we can get nothing better, so we settle, clinging to hope that 'maybe this time will be different.' We accept a lot of things...good gravy, we do, and things only continue when we let them continue.

The list is as follows, and comes from several sources: If you were that committed to the cause...

1. You probably wouldn't have slept with that other girl
2. You would have called back when you said
3. You would not have tried to play games like 'hard to get' when you were upset
4. You would date me in the day time
5. You wouldn't have gotten yet another 'baby mama' around the same time you were trying to get with me
6. You wouldn't have lied to me
7. I wouldn't have found "wife" in your phone, with a number that wasn't mine
8. You would say my name when I call
9. You wouldn't have had sex with some other girl before telling me you love me and want me to have your kids
10. You wouldn't let your boy hit on me
11. You wouldn't call me "friend" in public, but something else when we're alone
12. You wouldn't call me crazy to other people, yet adore me to my face
13. You wouldn't keep asking if I have a few brothers, so you can cover your bases for when you screw me over
14. You would be willing to wait
15. You wouldn't ask if I were planning on changing that 'no sex' thing anytime soon
16. You wouldn't wait around to call me until a half hour on a Friday night when you want to do something (that is indicative of you having other plans, and having them cancelled)
17. You would have mustered up the courage to talk to me a little sooner (because don't we make time for the things and make attempts for the things we're really interested in)
18. You wouldn't let your ex call to harrass me
19. I would know what you really think about "us"
20. You wouldn't l.u.v. me, you'd l.o.v.e. me...

I think we're going to make it in a variety of colors, sizes and shirt types. Long sleeved for the winter, a beater style for mid-summer and a regular t for the everyday...

yeah...
yeah...

And....

2007-01-17T19:16:00.000-05:00

In an elevator today a woman called a black man a "boy." She didn't do it while he was in the elevator, but after the elevator left his floor. She said this while in an elevator with three black people (she was white). In less than two seconds, the other black woman in the elevator said "You don't call a b lack man a boy." And the woman who did the calling said "Yes, I do," and smiled and laughed as if it was 'ok.' She said this as she exited the elevator. me and the other black woman were left alone talking about the incident. You don't do that. It's like one of those cultural rules we live by but don't write down. Calling a black man a "boy" is hardly ok - given the history of the term and its usage...you don't do that. I doubt that she calls any of her white peers "boy"... and it wasn't a teenager she was referring to, or a young looking adult. This man was well into his thirties and...ugh. My fingers are tired of giving her fifteen minutes.

Blah

As I walked to get what may be my last cup of coffee from an ultra-popular coffee shop (just found out that the cows they get their milk from use a bovine growth hormone that is being shown to cause cancer in lab rats and possibly people) I walked by a number of people, many of them, men. My glasses have transition lenses so they get dark outside in the sun...they were dark today. Anywho, I walk by two guys who were very hip hop generation. They smiled and nodded. I walked by a lone brotha who looked like he was on lunch, industrial type work. He didn't nod...just turned and watched my butt I'm assuming as I passed. Then I walk by these two business-men brothas. The first passed by without incident. The second, however, leaned right into the side of my face as we passed each other and said "pretty." That's it...nothing else, no hello, no how are you...just 'pretty.' Really? What chapter of "I got mad game!" is that from?

I am watching a rerun of "I love new york" and ya'll...really ya'll. Come on...these men are crying...crying...crying. Help me. Good gravy.

Well...

2007-01-16T18:05:00.000-05:00

My computer didn't explode...lol, but es demasiado mucho para mi.

Meanwhile - I almost killed the kitty today - she follows too closely and was in the perfect position for my landing foot clothed in gym shoe this morning...she meowed, she hissed, she ran and watched from afar. I felt bad.

Being a grown up has it's fun times, like payday and paid holidays...it's also has its rewards, like when you help someone out, or get a good review. But on it's bad days you wake up and you crave the bed again...yah

Ready for some blah...

2007-01-11T21:19:00.000-05:00

Ok so some random thoughts...

I had a dream the other night about the family of the guy that my grandmother is so desperately trying to get me married to. Back in high school I was all head over heels for him, but now there's nothing really there...there's nothing going on actually anywhere with anyone at the moment. I was thinking today as I drove home that perhaps my ideal is non-existent, which would suck beyond all sucking...but I thought about it and I'm an odd bird - that I've known for years and have been content with most of the time...but my aunt, the other day, reminded me that I'm knocking on thirty and that kinda spooked me. I'm not ready to be thirty. I didn't want to be single and thirty for certain. But I have to look at reality and reality says I'm single and have been for the majority of my life, take out about 12 months of my life and the rest of the time - very single. And most of the time I am ok with that. I don't complain about it. I may make the occassional sarcastic comment or rant about it, but I'm not trippin - at least not yet. But I thought as I was driving home that my fear is that I will go through this life being an odd bird for which there is no match of oddity. Nobody that thinks about life the way I do...and so because of thought lives with the same overall purpose - I'm not talking about being a lawyer, cuz Lord knows that crap is not required...nor desired. But I do odd things for reasons that don't fit in the world-view and for that I am isolated...a social island, if you will. Grand.

So I thought about this. One of my bosses said when he retires he needs to find another job. Because he cannot be at home with his wife all day long. People who retire and then are at home with each other all the time resent each other for being there - someone said that. I forget who. I thought - dang...so many people want to find the person they can live thirty...fifty years with and then they get there at the end and they resent the other person because they are not used to having them there all the time. That sucks.

I am seriously considering eHarmony...not that I think anything will come out of it for me. I'm on a short leash and always have been. When I try, I can't even find a man-floosy. LOL - not that I'd really want one, but maybe it would at least prove my theory right...we'll see.

Now, it's back to work and then on to games.

And um...again

2007-01-09T18:34:00.000-05:00

I am finding that in life sometimes it's best to be quiet when the actions/inactions of friends is counter-intuitive...just makes no sense, isn't logical, goes against who the person is...just keep my trap shut. So I'm finding that more often than not, I just don't respond or comment when one of those instances occurs...just keep my trap shut. I've seen it before, and I doubt it'll be the last time I see it...yah yah

I think I need to invest it Tai-Chi for dummies again because I have not yet figured out how to manage my performance anxiety. I don't know if it will help, but it was fun the first time. I sold the book to HPB when I needed some extra funds...no, the single book didn't fetch a lot, but taken together with other books I sold back it put some gas in my tank! :)

Onto other things...the Buckeyes - looked like we didn't show up to play...we thought it was practice maybe...I dunno. I was sad for two seconds and then I got over it - because I remembered that I have a brief due on a murder case...yeah - perspective. yadihoo

Just Life

2006-12-30T08:57:00.000-05:00

Be glad that you have your right mind. At work yesterday I saw three people who did not. While buying some tea a man walked in whose eyes were rimmed in red and who was absently giving greetings to everyone, yet no one in particular. The worker at the coffee shop I was in started following him, asking him if he wanted anything. He told her he was looking for used newspapers and she asked him to leave. He then said that he might buy something to drink and she told him to leave again. He started getting loud. It was obvious that he wasn't right in the head and she was probably worried about customers. Before he left he looked at her said "You could make a good bull terrier - you're a good watchdog. Maybe you should change professions and in the New Year get a new attitude - a new outlook on life." Then he left, still telling her about herself. I saw two other people talking to themselves and no one in particular while walking on the street. Be glad you have all your faculties.

You ever hear something so much that you just get tired of hearing it...knowing that the next time you hear it you're just going to scream??

Sadaam Hussein was killed yesterday and yet the world doesn't feel any safer. All the soldiers did not come home...hhhmmmm....

Yesterday at work, I spun around and around in my chair over and over again until I got dizzy and almost got sick. I laughed at myself. It was great.

demi-gods, blurred lines and life in general

2006-12-28T19:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, so while sick and chillin in my bed I was flippin the channel and saw the premiere for the new "New York" show - you know, the crazy heifer from the Flavor of Love show on VH1...well, after losing two years in a row she's got her own show and the promo showed her being hoisted atop a pyramid of men and the show will be called "I love new york"... we are a society that is addicted to self - we love ourselves - we've become the object of our own affection - that's some sick twisted stuff if you think about it. We love ourselves - stroke ourselves, seek for affirmance, strive to make ourselves stick out and stand out for what? So people can tell us we are great? Booo

Today I tried to work through whatever illness I have temporarily and after four or five hours I looked down and the numbers on the pages I was reading moved - they moved - the lines were blurred...booo on that. BUT the chief said I wrote a beautiful response - better than a brief or proposition of law. That I was glad for - I'm not a dunce...the curve is cool.

Life in general - some things need to move along, get unstale, change...for real. Bless these days, but they must go.

Holla

Shuffled, bored, tired and sick...

2006-12-27T06:55:00.000-05:00

So I picked up something icky over the holiday - I think from my baby brother - he was sick and so now I am sick - that sickly sucks. I'm working from home today to keep from making anyone else sick either...

For Christmas this year my family got me a lot of cooking stuff - real pots and pans, baking wear, actual utensils that are used by people who cook for a living. I am excited - it's really cool beans. A lot of my family also tasted some of my cooking/baking from scratch for the first time and they were impressed. My grandmother said I could get married - lol - since I can cook. My dad has, for the first time in my life, entered a season where he is advocating my getting married and him having grandchildren. He let me know that this door of opportunity could be closed at any moment. God love-em.

My stepmom and brother were in town...technically they still are - for about three good weeks, yet they will spend a mere four days south of Cleveland. Why? Because my stepmom wants a divorce and she's only showing up here out of obligation. My brother could care less about seeing the other side of his family - it hurts my dad and irritates me, but there's little you can do. My grandmother spent most of this holiday crying because both of her daughters in law are leaving her sons...same year. She's worried that her grandsons, the children of these unions will leave her too, one by choice and one because his mother will take him to Korea, her home country. That makes me sad too. I learned from my grandmother something that most of my family members don't know - my late grandfather, who was one of my favorite people when he was alive - had cheated on my grandmother - everyone knew that. He had a son who is the same age as my father, who looks just like my father - and most people knew that too. But I had always believed that my grandmother didn't know about my grandfather's excursions outside their marriage - that she had no idea. But she did. This weekend she said she didn't understand why the two women were leaving - she knows her sons and knows them well - but the only reason she sees as justifiable for leaving your spouse is adultery. I agree. So she couldn't understand why the women were leaving when none of that had taken place - and this time, it hasn't. Both men are wiser, I think and neither of them have cheated on their current wives. She said that she put up with hell with my grandfather, for the sake of her children...I didn't know she ever knew he cheated. Which makes it worse. It meant that literally from day one in their marriage she knew her husband was sleeping with other women. She may even know about the other son that is a dead ringer for her own oldest. She knew. And she stayed. It gives me a different view of my grandmother - a higher level of respect for her - for not cutting off his digit and making him a eunuch. For never backbiting him or telling her sons bad things about him. It told me more about them too. Neither of them wanted to hurt their mother's feelings, so they both hid the secret that their father cheated. Maybe that's how it became "ok" in their minds - because their father did it for years and they knew.

That's the type of stuff I don't want touching my marriage - whenever and however it comes - infidelity...there are two things that I don't want. A marriage in which he goes after another she...or worse, another he. I see the pain that it causes and it sucks that even when a once cheater tries to do right, he gets the reinforcement that doing right doesn't mean she'll stay.

Moving on...James Brown and Gerald Ford died this weekend. Ford was President when I was conceived, I think....but I could be counting wrong.

I've had this dream several times over the past month or so...I've misplaced a pair of shoes I was wearing. I am in a church...at least that's where it starts and at some point I look down and my shoes are gone. I look under pews, on the floor seating and in the balcony and I can't find them. I have church dreams a lot, but never so peculiar...lost shoes. We'll see what, if anything, becomes of it.

Anywho, the future awaits. I must go meet it. Holla

DId you know

2006-12-21T19:09:00.000-05:00

that there was a time when Jesus didn't know good from evil? Believe it ya'll - it's true. I never knew it but read Isaiah7-9 It's where the Lord is telling the prophet that Jesus will be coming and He talks about the times before Jesus would know good and evil - commentaries say that is before the age of 12/13, the time when Jewish boys came of age. Interesante...

but anywho just thought I'd type something because it's been barren here for a while.

Overhearing conversations at work has me thinking that we as believers need to get back to reading what Jesus said and doing what He said...because what we're doing instead isn't working and Jesus worked, so somewhere along the way, we must have gotten off the mark...I think.

Grace and Kittens

2006-12-14T06:57:00.000-05:00

Ok so you now how I've been freaking about performance and doing my job right at work? Well, yesterday, my supervisor told me I was doing a really good job. Though small words to some, I am very relieved to hear them. Relieved and relaxed - for the moment at least! But I was happy that in all my worrying, the Lord would be so gracious to drop an encouragement.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, there are two new members of the crew. Bella and Pogo, two tabby gray kittens born from the same mother and litter...about 12 weeks old. They are cute!!! Very fiesty, wanting to play at 3 in the morning, but cute all around. Cats are supposed to be calming and add years to your life. I think that applies when they are adults. Right now they are providing laughter - right now they are chasing each other up and down the stairs, which is cool at 7am...but at 3:30 this morning while the two were walking all over me, I didn't feel it was humerous....funny.

Well well well she is tired

2006-12-06T18:11:00.000-05:00

Ok so this real world - real life thing is really tiring. I have to engage my brain all day and whoo not used to it. I'm also not used to a secretary...and I'm finding that the things it take me a couple hours to do it takes her only ten minutes to do and so my time is literally wasted doing those things. So yeah...found that out when, after working on documents for about 2 hours I could have just asked her to do them. Delegation. Now I know what that means. I might make up those two hours over the weekend so that I don't actually report them...shame shame...

Good breath is underrated. I didn't realize how much breath transmits until coming into contact with a lot of people at my job who are sick...that 's how stuff carries, because if you can smell the breath, then the germs are already in your system. I never thought much of that before but over the past several days I have literally sensed how close germs were to me because of the breath...interesting.

Another thing - I am finding out that I have severe performance anxiety and lack of confidence problems. It feels like I'm on a slow learning curve. Booooooooo

Sista needs to calm down and slow down...

2006-12-04T22:02:00.000-05:00

One thing I am learning about myself. I am a complete and total freak out sometimes...I mean really, there are days when my own lack of confidence throws me on the brink of a panic attack. I have literally had to talk myself through days at work, saying positive things while trying to convince myself that I'm not a fake.

In the meantime, pray for my organs. They are tripping.

Happy Holidays to you all. Amen :)

Virgin No More

2006-11-29T17:56:00.000-05:00

...at least, not in the courtroom anyway :)

Had my first hearing today and I made it through it. I was nervous as all get out - I thought for a moment I may faint and the court reporter told me once to slow down please because of how fast I was talking...I thought I was going to sweat through my suit...I almost did, but I didn't stutter, stumble or anything like that. Hallelujah.

And just in case your heart is still skipping from the title of this post...come on now guys...let's be real...you know and i know and I know you know I know you know...really

The Holidays

2006-11-26T10:24:00.000-05:00

Deck the halls with boughs of holly...

This weekend one of my grandmothers accused me of being covetous and stingy because I didn't want to give away the jewelry that one of my other grandmothers gave me on Turkey Day. In front of a room full of people she told me I could not wear all the jewelry in a year and that I should give some of it away. I told her that the grandmother I got it from specifically asked me not to give any of it away and I told her I wanted to honor that. In front of everyone she started telling me about myself and how I shouldn't hold onto things like that - hording because if I let it go God would replace it. To not be embarrassed anymore - in a room full of people who are now silent I let her pick what she wanted and so she took a necklace and earring set. She then told me what pieces to give my mother - who didn't want anything, but just thought things were pretty. I told my grandmother that i wasn't being stingy, but i was trying to honor the request of the other grandmother who had given me things she considered precious. My grandmother later called my mother on the phone and told her that I was sinning because I was coveting...

This made me really sad ya'll - for several reasons. 1. I'm not now, nor have I ever been a stingy person - or greedy. I give of my time, my resources, people - I give. 2. She took the word out of context and that upset me. I don't like being accused of things that aren't what I'm doing. You can't covet what is already yours. 3. She fronted me out before a lot of people and that made me sad...now you accuse me in front of others...strangely this reminds me of stuff that happened a year ago...

Tis the season to be jolly

My stepmom and little brother flew in for the week of Turkey Day to see family. They have been here in Ohio since the Monday before Thanksgiving and are just now (Sunday after) making it to Cincinnati to see my dad's side of the family. They spent 90% of their time with the familly that they have seen several times since they uprooted and went to Los Angeles... and now, as the leftovers, they're graciously giving the "other side" of the family - a measley 4 hours. Ain't that grand? I think it sucks, my dad thinks she was consulting lawyers up there in Cleveland and that she wants a divorce and alimony. He wants me to handle it if she does, but thank God I'm not permitted to - being an attorney for the state I cannot engage in private practice - no handling anything. And I don't want to. My stepmother seems oblivious to the fact that my brother has other blood relatives than just her own. Screw it all - there are other things to worry about.

Don we now our gay apparel

I see ugliness and the holidays doesn't always bring out the best in people. The food was great - though my grandmother would say different about my cheesecake and maccaroni and cheese - and the fam I hung with was cool. I got to be with two of my little siblings and I washed clothes. Unfortunately I also had to do work, but it's cool - really it is.

Join the ancient yule tide carol...

FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

Funny Things

2006-11-20T22:29:00.000-05:00

I just realized some hot stuff...I work on the eighth floor...my last job - the temp assignment - that was on the eighth floor too. My book library number at my new job is eight...

though I'm not all that into numbers, biblically eight is said to mean "new beginnings" drawing from their being seven days in a week and the eighth day is technically the beginning of a new week...

Anywho - other thoughts.

Who thought of making women's shoes with heels on them? I was looking at my shoe today and I thought about it - just in passing, nothing too deep. I think it was a man. Why, you ask? Because heels hurt. Feet aren't made for them - proven by hammer toes, bunyons and corns. Heels do one thing and one thing only - and it's not pracitcal - they make us look more curvy - they add some height which means we have to walk straight up and they flow into our calves nicer than flat shoes - they make our legs look slimmer just by putting them on and so in my mind the only purpose they have is an aesthetic and what folks are looking at a woman's body that closely? Well, when heels were first made my assumption is that men is the answer.... I'm not saying it's all bad, I just noticed.

Picture This...

2006-11-19T21:09:00.000-05:00

My little siblings are watching an episode of Dora the Explorer and my parents overhear this conversation. (The episode was about hot air balloons)

She: I mean...I just don't get it.

He: Get what?

She: The hot air balloon thing

He: What do you mean?

She: Well...it just completely defies the laws of physics!

Guys...a five year old...who says stuff like that as a five year old? Huh? Who? She does.

THE BIG RED

2006-11-18T20:44:00.000-05:00

Yah yah yah CHAMPIONS...buckeyes all around. I'm going to buy a bag and sprinkle them around my office. Hotness.

Though I will say that the first down prior to the wolverines last touchdown was bogus - receiver never had control of the ball...did anyone else catch that?

Wheeeewwww!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-17T21:06:00.000-05:00

First week and I feel like my brain woke up from a generation of being asleep. My electronic connectors have not worked so hard since...since...ok. They've NEVER worked this hard. I really love this job ya'll - I do. I really enjoy being able to help people and being able to make sense of constitutional arguments...it feels a little odd actually doing what I've studied so long to do...sometimes I feel like pinching myself.

I had dinner with my dad and now I'm soooo sleepy. I can't hang no more... at least not until my body catches up with this schedule of my head actually THINKING all day.

Ok so I'm watching the first annual BET awards and uh...yeah when did Ludacris and Jermaine Dupri become ganster rappers? I've never heard them kick it like they're kickin it in the opening number...I'm used to songs from Luda about chicks and bleeps and stuff and Jermaine lately has been more producing than doing...even though he had a new album out recently....Lil Jon just came on stage and the crowd LOST THEY MIND. Huh? That guy that had the WHY song is out there too...can't think of his name though...I'm not cultured enough.

And why come Bow Wow got famous and forgot how to speak? They just did a quick red carpet interview...and he sounds like he wants to be from the A...but let's keep it straight, he grew up right down the street from where I live...in the suburbs of Columbus...come on now. Bexley, Reynoldsburg...that was his stomping ground. And his mama made him keep a 4.0 to keep rapping...so it's not like he turned eighteen and now can't talk...some on now.

Flava Flav is there...with Deelicius...need I say more?

I know only 12% of the rappers they just named on the opening...how old am I?

But check this - the run down of the "old school" first generation rappers...I knew them all. I'm old. Goodnight.

Things I'm Learning...

2006-11-16T18:24:00.000-05:00

Sexy can be revealed everywhere...I went to the grocery store yesterday and while waiting in the U-Scan line a man in his early fifties or so walked by and said "You look very nice tonight!" and kept walking...huh?

I am now on the best dressed list at work.... Our office is very casual...very. After three days of wearing dress pants and nice tops today I wore khakis and a fleece top. Three people said "I was wondering when you were going to stop dressing up..." Who would have thought - the girl who doesn't like to dress up has surpassed a threshold.

The value of a good mint is underrated.

Staying beneath the status quo can reduce your stress levels. Take some opportunities to do that when you can.

You know you have really forgiven when you can talk to someone and really have no qualms about it. I got a call from someone that used to be a friend - I hadn't talked to her in a long time...like friends talk. And she called yesterday and we talked for about an hour and it was fine...it amazed me. Too bad I have not done that with everyone on my ish list.

Lowered expectations...maybe mine are just too high and they need to be modified.

Holla
B

Imagine This...

2006-11-14T21:49:00.000-05:00

My little sister had a hard day in kindergarten. So...after telling my mother about her horrible day in school she says (picture my little sister sitting in the back of my mom's truck and mom driving, asking her questions)

Sissy: I'm just stupid

Mom: Sissy! You're NOT stupid - why would you say that?

Sissy: Because I am

Mom: No you're not!

Sissy: Ask me what three plus three is

Mom: Ok, what's three plus three

Sissy: Two

Mom: Sissy!

Sissy: See?!

Guys, I laughed my light skint butt off with that one - what kid says stuff like that? CLASSICLY CLASSIC - par for the course with her.

Love it

Holla
B

Day One

2006-11-13T21:08:00.000-05:00

It's 9:00 and it feels like the day flew by...literally with little wings. I am so grateful and excited about my job. I got my first few cases and I'll have the fun of sifting through them all looking at all the stuff I don't know. That's one thing that I know this job will do - test my ability to ask for help. It's not something I don't do a lot and so being in this position will require that I do just that - because I have NO IDEA which way is up or where to start with the things I'll have to do. My cases are already interesting and it feels like I'm a real live lawyer now. I want to do well - to be a good attorney and to effectively help my clients.

But in the meantime I'm half-disinterestingly watching the Bachelor and it amazes me that this show is still on. Out of all of them only one relationship has worked and that was when it was a Bachelorette...Tristan and Ryan. I think they're still married - I hope so at least. That whole love thing sucks bullets, but even more so if you're on national tv and then it bombs. I don't understand why women do it - why they set themselves for odds that are almost insurmountable and then end up crying in front America because he chooses one of the other twenty-five that were among the choices....

Tapioca Children Are Beautiful

2006-11-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

So the party at the fam's was actually a really cool time. There were no skrimishes and no drama - aside from the members that didn't show, but hey, the house was full anyway. The slightly sad part was the shindig was held at my late cousin's widow's house - it was their house before he died - car accident several years ago - he died the same day that we buried another grandmother on a different side of my family. Anywho - his wife is engaged now to someone else, but she still wears the other ring on her right hand. It was a bit somber, but outside of that the folks were cool and there were tiny tapioca children EVERYWHERE!!! They ranged from bright white to hazlenut brown, with curly brown hair, kinky blonde hair, and those older in my generation actually had no hair. Creoles were chillin and the few scattered non-ethnics seemed slightly overwhelmed with so much color in one place.

But we laughed, we sniffled, we ate exotic food and...after that we laughed some more. The highlight of the evening was when my dad arrived - he is the center of attention - he and my aunt Georgette, who we call "Cooch" and the two of them together - bags of laughter and rolls of fun. We all look alike. Despite the differences in shades and textures we can't deny that we are all kin. And that's funny.

But the most remarkable thing was how pretty everyone's kids were. Really ya'll, and this is not to be puffed up, but them tapioca children...beatiful..I have a two year old little cousin that looks like a little Simoan wrestler and the girls could all be models. There were about 20 little rugrats under six and another handful between 10 and 16...it was grand.

Family...

2006-11-09T13:13:00.000-05:00

Ok so this weekend I'm going to attend a very rare family gathering of my father's side of the family. Now, if I've never told you, my dad's side of the family is very...well...cultured. This side of the family is made up of people who all are very light-hued, like me, and most much lighter - pass lighter if you will. The reason why is because that side of the family very rarely marries black. The family is made up of a mix of native american, white and creole/black folks who intermarried and intermingled, and now, the trend is to marry as light as possible so the children come out looking exotic. We resemble the rainbow coalition on that side. I'm not trying to be glib, but that's really true. The only three members on that side who married other black folks were my cousin K (who the party is actually in honor of) my cousin R and my dad (who married my mother of course). But my dad actually joins the club because my stepmother is white, and they had my little brother, so technically NOW the only one not in the family way are K and R, which is cool...but I tell you all this to say it should be an interesting weekend full of interesting conversation and happenings.

The other funny thing about this side, is that hardly any of them like each other on the average day. It has a tendency to get ugly quickly. It's love hate. They tear each other apart and then soon after are eating cherry pie together, talking about how the kids all look alike. There were 8 children born to my grandfather's parents and those are the eight we all descend from and those are all who are getting together. They don't like my grandmother - my grandfather's widow, but they LOVE my dad and they love my mother - she's one of the only non-family outsiders they love...and the divorce didn't change that. They are fickle when it comes to who to love who not to love...I know it's sad, but it makes for festive gatherings. I'll fill you in when it's all said and done.

Sludge Lifting...Fading to White

2006-11-09T12:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, so today I was talking to a friend and I said, all happy and cheery "Today's my last day as a temp - aren't you happy for me?"

and her response was "I am happy your mind and emotions are in a different place."

and I thought dag....so I asked her... "You mean, you're happy I'm not depressed anymore?"

and she said "Yes...I just didn't want to use those words" She then went on to say that I sound a lot better - like my old self again. About a year ago she said she'd hate to be someone getting to know me right now, because I was a shut up wall of heavy and emotional mess - and that I was incapable of making friends/new relationships because I was so down and gloomy.

She was right. For the past two years almost I have been in a dark dank funk, and it's been quite nasty and debilitating. I know that depression does not just affect yourself...it affects those around you - because it, like a dark looming cloud - is not just natural, but spiritual too. I know I can feel when folks are depressed and heavy and I know that my own eminations have been ugly and sour the past couple years. The other day I was reading in Deut where God told the children of Israel that He was about to bring them into a good land and so He explains to them that He led them in the wilderness purposefully to test them and humble them, all the while in the end meaning to do good for them, but the time in the wilderness was necessary so that they would not get in the promised land and think that they got their by their own strength and might. I'm telling you it was hot. Too bad I didn't read it in the past two years - I wouldn't have "seen" it anyway with the way my thoughts were clouded though - that much I know. I was in a HORRIBLE place mentally, emotionally and sometimes spiritually. I say spiritually because the Lord still did His thing with me when He needed something done. I was functional - in a functional depression I guess you can say - cuz I never quit ministry...or carrying out my responsibilities or anything like that - because that need seemed to outrank my own funk. I just thought my life sucked and so did I, and so after the fun glitz and ministry responsibilities I went home to my hole and laid up in the fetal position for months.

In fact, this blog was started out of my own frustrations with my life - and so much of it reflects my frustrations. I am glad I did it, but sorry ya'll didn't get some better reading material!!! i mean, dang, I know my satire is hilarious but it would have been nice to see happier me sometimes. But thanks for your patience and prayers during this time of uck - it's been greatly appreciated.

From having boils (4 times) to being labeled a witch, not getting offered a job that was really nice, to being turned down for dozens of other ones, friendships lost left and right, failing the first test of my life which turned out to be a doozy to start failing on, I was a sad sucky sappy piece of skin...really. Earlier this year I blogged about how I misplaced/forgot myself - that I no longer resembled who I used to be. And now, believe it or not, I see her returning - slowly but surely, the girl (woman now I guess) that loved creativity, analytical thinking, having a great time with great people...she's slowly coming back. Has she been humbled? Most definitely. Did she pass her tests? Some of them...others she failed in miserably - or if not failed, then got pretty darn close she guesses... She's a bit wiser, which she should be and hopefully more compassionate and understanding. She pays a lot more attention to her insides - her character and her thought processes. She makes a more pronounced effort to think outwardly and not be so focused on herself and her own personal problems. She is attempting to know what it is like to live out those things that she's accepted principally about herself and the world around her, and hopefully all around she's better than she was before.

And so also slowly but surely the black dye I had in my hair (non-permanent) is washing out. By the end of January I should be back to gold-streaked brown. And also gradually I'm laughing at funny things again and not just laughing sarcastically at things that are just moronic or sad but funny in their sadness. Those are all good things...sho nuff. My shoulders are loosening and so I have less worry about headaches too, so that's good. I'm forgiving, that's really good, and I guess one of these days I'll totally be over the ish that still upsets me these days, but change is a process, right? Right....

So figuratively speaking, that's where I am and it actually feels like a good place for once in a long time. Physically I'm in my temp office assignment and listening to the Veteran's Day parade happening on High Street. They shot canons off earlier that almost made me pee on myself they were so loud. I thought a buildling was going to fall...

Red v. Blue...and a hush falls over the crowd

2006-11-08T14:01:00.000-05:00

Well, it happened...despite Kerry's very off color remark meant to be a hit to Bush but was instead a sting to soldiers, and despite historical challenges and skeptical reds...the Democrats have won the house and possibly the Senate. This mid-term election more Democrats won gubernatorial races than Republicans, for the first time a woman is the Speaker of the House. The "stay the course" rhetoric, pot shots taken at the Dems and the recent conviction of Sadaam Hussein with an announcement of his death and quickly following execution, the nation has gone Blue. Historically red states such as our lovely Ohio decided to put the whammy on this season's election by ousting the Elephants. This was shortly followed up by the resignation of Rumsfeld - the war daddy of this latest Middle East skirmish which has lasted longer than WWII, the scandal of the evangelical leader who recently admitted to having a three year relationship with a male prostitute that involved drug use, and the scandal involving the improper sexual language from a congressman to pages in DC...which is rumored to have been covered up by other high level government officials. Red states such as Ohio and others like us went Blue this election week and it's understandable why.

The only bad thing is that my stepfather's cousin lost his bid for govenor as Ohio chose a Democrat for the first time in sixteen years. Wow....corngrowers I didn't know you had it in you...

Other match ups of Red and Blue should go differently...and this is something vitally important for us O-H-I-O ans...

Ten days from now (and counting) the Buckeyes take on the Wolverines in the last game of the season and last vie for the number one spot before the bowl games. It may turn out that this is game one of a two game meeting that will end with a National Championship. The Buckeyes are favored to win, however they need to BUCK UP as this last game against the Illini wasn't too pretty. Sloppy play does not result in National Champs and we have one more game to get through before meeting the maize and blue...or maize and boo as I prefer to call it. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Party all the time...

2006-11-08T12:16:00.000-05:00

wherever you are, call in to your local radio station and request Eddie Murphy's "Party All The Time."

I FORGOT how hilarious it is that EM put out a couple songs between SNL and Beverly Hills Cops flicks...ya'll...

And you know what, the song was the JAM back in the 80's...tell me you're hip!!!

I'm rockin to it right now...

It's Absence

2006-11-07T20:55:00.000-05:00

sometimes is like a dull ache and brings heavy sighs...not necessarily of loss, cuz you never had it before, but sighs still the same. Flimsy glimpses into feigned realities otherwise known as daydreaming don't really seem to quench it...but just like we can never really known Heaven til we get there, we'll never truly know this til we get there either...ah well, se la vi...(forgive my spelling...)

Sad Sweater

2006-11-07T10:10:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite sweater turtlenecks, the brown tan and camel striped one...it has several litte holes on the right arm...they look like I caught them on something or they got mangled in the washing machine...they are small holes...the size of metal curtain head points...but alas they are holes nonetheless...

I love this sweater and I got it back when NY&CO was LERNER, so I can't get another one :( I am sad. I've never been much of a fashionista, but when you find an article you like, you love it, wear it a lot and hope it never fades...or only fades a little. This faded about three years ago...I got it about six years ago. Now it has holes. I am sad.

On deeper days I would use this as a metaphor for other areas of my life, but alas, tis not such time for me. I have thangs to do...like read about the right to appointed counsel as governed by Gideon v. Wainwright 372 US 335, 83 S.Ct. 792, 9 L.Ed.2d 799 (1963).

Holla

To Be

2006-11-06T12:44:00.000-05:00

Seen
Known
Acknowledged
Understood
Loved...

Unconditionally

huh???

2006-11-06T10:02:00.000-05:00

I know I don't clean up much, but when I do I clean up well...whenever I take a venture and do this, people take it upon themselves to touch my hair...without asking. It happens a lot.

Today the lady I'm training did just that and said I had 'horse hair' which I guess is supposed to be a complement...

Maybe I have an aura about myself that says 'hey...touch my hair please.'

I don't get it.

Update

2006-11-06T08:16:00.000-05:00

The evangelist I talked about last week admitted that he has been sleeping with the male prostitute and paying for it for the past three years. I'm not sure which part is more grieving - the hypocrisy or the deceit in his attempt to deny it...

Election day tomorrow - don't forget to vote ya'll...really - don't forget to vote.

I'm having a grand time geering up for my new job. I am excited and grateful yet again.

Yo I wish you were here in B-study - this is probably the most open everybody has been and its really refreshing. And Daniel is hot stuff to study - sho nuff.

Mighty finished up his demo with the big-wigs and it's supposed to go to music mogul Randy Jackson (of American Idol, not the Jackson 5).

Breaking in new shoes sucks - it makes my feet hurt.

Partial Confession

2006-11-03T16:30:00.000-05:00

The Evangelist who was accused of having gay sex with a prostitute over three years while heading the anti-gay mantra for the national organization he presides over changed his story. Now he claims that he bought meth from the male prostitute/masseur and allowed the man to massage him after being recommended to him by a hotel. But he says he never had sex with him. He said also that he never actually used the meth he bought - he just bought it because he was curious but he never used...he was only tempted.

Strike two - when confronted with sin, one should confess to all, not just some. I know it's hard because saying you slept with a male prostitute means that you have to admit: 1) you cheated on your wife after having a position that marriage is fundamental and covenant before God, 2) you have to admit to being at the least bi-sexual after years of screaming get rid of all gays and anything that mentions gay and 3) you've got to say you are a meth addict.

All of this would bring ill light on your church, your organization and Christianity itself, but confession is good for the soul - God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins - His word says it, but what do you do when you've lived a lie and condemned those who were doing the same thing you were doing, only out in the open? If you'd like to see the story, check out news tickers on the three major networks - it's more detailed than what I've shared, but I'm willing to bet that soon, the rest of the truth will come out full and frontal sho nuff. Why? because it always does.

The man who made the accusations has tapes in which the evangelical leader was requesting meth and talking about pick ups and multiple uses. I don't know what else the tapes say but they were phone messages that he kept once he found out that the man he'd been having a relationship with was a prominent christian leader. The accuser says that the pastor used his middle name and here's the kicker he told the news that "nickname" which is what the pastor at times goes by is how he introduced himself and that he (the prostitute) had no idea that he was a pastor til seeing him on television recently. It was when he heard one of the pastor's messages about no gay marriage that he decided to keep the voicemails requesting meth and then take the story public once he had.

pray for our youth

2006-11-03T15:26:00.000-05:00

ok so as I was walking back to my office after making a deposit I heard screaming, cursing and loudness across the street. A crowd of young black school teenagers were on the corner and two girls were about to fight. About what? who knows - clothes maybe, a man, some shoes, some nasty word one said to the other. Off came their coats and one girl charged the other. A group of kids on my side of the street were watching. They knew the girl who was charging. They ran across the street and tried to hold her back. The girl being charged at almost went into the street in front of a bus. All the persuasion folks on the street corners started staring, some laughing...it made me sad. In the end, no fighting occurred, just a lot of M-fers and stuff like that, and yet another display to help the "others" remark on what horrid monkeys we are....dangit.

Tell me if I'm whacked

2006-11-03T14:20:00.000-05:00

ok so I have a friend who is always talking about speaking things and having faith and that's great. I try not to bust her bubble, so for a lot of things I keep my mouth shut. Ya'll know that I'm not a name it claim it person.

This is the friend that prays the very specific prayers I was telling ya'll about earlier. Her car had another problem and sure enough it's still covered by warranty so she doesn't have to pay for any of it. A while back she prayed that if anything was going to go wrong with her car that she would not have to come out of pocket to pay for it - that it would happen while the car was still under warranty. The Lord has SOOO honored that prayer. I told her today 'hey, way to use wisdom...' and then she emailed me back saying a lot about how WE have to have faith and WE have to know we have FAVOR and be confident and WE WE WE...

I know she's insinuating that I need to pray the same way about things - expecting them to come true...

I think I bursted her bubble because I told her that while I'm glad she's getting all her prayers answered exactly how she asked them, that I know God, while He loves us dearly, doesn't always do that and if I believe that the only way I'll get blessed by Him is to pronounce what I want and then BELIEVE real hard that it's coming, I'll start to believe that the times I don't receive what I was believing for there was a fundamental problem with my faith - that it's my problem.

Sometimes, and I've seen this especially in my current life situations, we don't get what we ask for because it's not His will. If He gave it to us, which sometimes He does give us what we keep bugging Him about - look at Israel - we'd get it and then realize it wasn't His perfect will for us. It's like the little kid who wants to lick the frosting off the bowl when his mother makes cake. He BEGS her for the spoon and for the mixers and she tries to tell him no, wait for the cake, but he begs and begs...so finally she says "Ok...you can lick the batter, but that's going to count as your dessert and you have to live with the consequences." So he says "fine!" and goes to work. He licks the bowl, the spoon, the mixers (after they've been removed from their electrical device) and at first he's thinking "This is great! It's so good mom, thanks!" and he eats and licks and licks and then when he's done he thinks "Man, mom is the greatest - that was so good." Thirty minutes later he can smell the most declicious smell in the world - the cake baking. "Mmmm" he thinks. 45 minutes after that, the cake is done, out of the oven and is now cooling on the counter. He starts to salivate..."Yes, this will be really good..." he thinks. And hour after that, his mother has flipped the pan over on a plate, prepping the cake to come out and be perched on its serving dish. He gets excited, because he knows that this means it's almost done. He ignores momentarily the knawing in his stomach, indicating that not all is well with his plumbing down there. 2o minutes after that his mother has taken the pan off the cake, the cake is cooling and she starts to ice it. The little boy is a quiver with joy, but now the little rumbling has turned into a full blown ache. He farts a little because he has bad gas. He can't explain why his stomach is feeling this way. Soon the mother is done icing the cake and she's prepping for service. She cuts the pieces out, one for each member of the family. It looks good, smells great, and he is salivating even more... The only thing is, she cuts one piece too few and he wonders why. By now he's holding his stomach and is almost doubled over. He can barely say "mom, why don't I have a piece?" and she looks down at him, as he clenchins his middlings and says "Are you ok son?" and he tries to nod, but it's a lie. His stomach is about to blow - why? Because the batter he ate had raw egg in it so it wasn't safe to eat. Sure a lick or two would have been fine, but he wanted to lick EVERYTHING and after he begged and begged his mother he finally got his wish. She knew raw egg wasn't good for him, but some lessons he must learn by experience. Now he's got bubble guts AND he doesn't get any finished cake because as she reminds him "You already ate your dessert...remember? Before it was finished." So everyone eats and he feels bad, but he can't feel regret too long because now he's in the bathroom sitting on the toilet for the long haul until the pain subsides. Sure he can have some cake tomorrow, once his stomach is better, but he does have to forego a blessing now because he begged for one and got it, even though it was untimely.

I know I BEGGED God for those other jobs, just like I begged him for a man that I now can't stand and you know what, the end result - what He desires will be best for real! All this to say, that if I was arrogant enough to believe that EVERYTHING I asked for was His perfect will...I would be missing what He really wanted.

That's why I'm not into name it claim it - because it's not a stable foundation. Cuz if you don't get what you claim, you HAVE to come to either the conclusion that God isn't working for you, or YOU don't have the right type of faith...and neither could be the case. It could be that you're mature enough that God knows you're not going to curse Him if you don't get what you want. You may whine and cry but you won't turn to blasphemy...and since He can trust you, He can tell you no sometimes...maybe just possibly that's it.

Anywho, tell me your thoughts...

Same old Same old

2006-11-03T12:54:00.000-05:00

Today the woman who I am training to take my place here before I leave for my new job :) asked me if I dated anyone. I just LOVE this conversation. Hear my sarcasm.

I told her the spiel - that I'm not opposed to going out with a guy, but I'm not into the dating anyone for any sake or season thing - I think in terms of whether I can be committed so I don't lose valuable time...or make an emotional investment that later I'll regret when it ends...and then I told her that my theories and practices matter very little consideration I intimidate the hell out of men, so at the moment I have little choice over my dating life...

That is of course unless I blame myself for not acting on those propositions made last week with the man who thought I was jail bate and the COTA bus driver...

Our conversation of course turned to why I intimidate men and I had to explain that I don't intimidate EVERYONE - just guys who are interested. She thought I meant that I perceived myself as intimidating because I'm a lawyer. Don't get it twisted - I've had low self-esteem to go along with that one for over a year now...but I told her how I became aware of this intimidation factor back in junior high the first time a guy told me I seemed like I didn't "need" a man. I told her then how many male friends had said the same thing but not necessarily in the same words, and the most enlightening times were when I was talking to my big brother who asked me if I was dating anyone and then when he found out I wasn't and I told him I might be scary he agreed....that I am scary and he told me why. Intellectually, spiritually and emotionally... That was followed up by a conversation with a former mentor who said the same exact thing, that I as I am, am intimidating for those same reasons - I got my stuff together - I'm walking with the Lord for real and I'm hella smart. He didn't say "hella" but you get my drift.

So once again this conversation made me sad because the more she and I talked to more we whittled down my potential for choices. I told her I'm not necessarily hung up on somebody having the same amount of degrees I have. it would be nice, but it's not a requirement. I told her what I wanted which, in its most basic general form is; that He loves the Lord - for real; that He is a man that allows the Lord to do the leading; that He'd be a good father/husband; that He has a heart for people and community improvement - social justice...

I left out the other selfish things I wanted for the sake of brevity....

She said my response surprised her - that she wasn't expecting me to say that. She didn't even expect me to say that I wanted a man who loved the Lord - Jesus, not buddah or muhammed, but the real deal. I didn't just want a "spiritual" man...

Once again, I am an anomole. I hope God didn't make just one of me.

On to happier news.

My little brother is dating this girl...turns out she's a disney kid with disney contracts for singing and acting. She's got a nice little income and notoriety.

She introduced him to her producer.

He listened to some of my brother's songs (that he writes and plays on his guitar)

Turns out the music producer used to sing backup for Lenny Kravits (who is a CHristian mind you as is my brother).

The guy is still cool with the guys in Lenny's band.

So while kicking the dew around, the producer guy decides to let my brother record a real record in the studio. They record a whole track from 10pm-2am two days ago. The guy loved my brother's music and told him he had been waiting for an artist like him.

Now he wants to record a demo for him - a whole demo with Lenny's drummer and guitarist to play the track behind him. He's not going to charge him studio time at all because that's how much he was diggin his music.

My little brother has FAVOR all over his little pale forehead...ALL OVER IT. People are drawn to him because of the Jesus in him and they don't even know it. Shoot, mighty (what I call my little bro) doesn't even know it. Neither does anyone in our family realize that's what it is.

Ain't it amazing!?

Perspective and political turmoil

2006-11-03T09:11:00.000-05:00

So today I was reading a passage in Colossians 1:12-15 which says 'giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light. For He rescued us from the doman of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.'

I just thought about the heavy reality of God - his existence and our ability to know and have an intimate relationship with Him. In the grand scheme of things, we know GOD. I think the everyday mundane happenings of life tend to dull my brain from fully embracing this reality - from consciously knowing that I know the true and living God and that's truth plain and simple. I think it's amazing that God exists and has plans on interacting with man. I think about all the times in which He has showed His power through His people and it amazes me that more people don't want to know Him - that there are athiests in this world baffles me. I can't look at the world around me and think that things came about by accident or by evolving. In a world where things are disintegrating, where we are depleting our resources it's hard to even consider that we evolved from small insigificant things. The reality of God is a poignant piece of consideration when we slow down to think about it...that above all, we know God. Man that's hot.

Not so hot, however, was the news which depicted one Christian leader - very popular on religious television and the head of a Christian organization - a spiritual advisor to our President and known for his anti-gay stance could possibly have been in a three year relationship with a male prostitute. He denies the charges, but stepped down from pastoring his church and also from leadership in the christian organization he's the head of.

I think stuff like this is precisely why the church should be very careful about the soapboxes we step up on and the tirades we throw. We do not give good witness to Christ when we persecute people for their sin openly and then are caught or accused of the exact thing we curse...Jesus Himself said that things done in secret will be exposed to the Light and this could be very well one of those moments. I think it sucks though that now again people will be turned off to Jesus because kids are acting up again...

Don't Take it for Granted

2006-11-01T16:40:00.000-05:00

Ya'll, and this is on the real. Do NOT take it for granted that you're young, black, gifted, educated and know Jesus.

I know life is hard some days and we aren't always happy, but guys for real, we are in the 1% of the world's population that has opportunity because of these five things...and of that 1% hardly any of them have the last notch on that totem pole.

The reality is, that despite how grueling our lives as grads/post grads, trying to make it, we have a wealth of skills and knowledge that will do several things:

1. Provide us with the opportunity to work at a job that engages our minds and pays our bills
2. Have the potential to go just beyond working for someone else, but one day having our own businesses or plans to create income
3. Have the ability through our potential to REALLY change some things about life and our community around us
4. Not have to worry about getting laid off because our position was downsized - why? Because we don't HAVE to work at factories or assembly lines
5. Being able to understand the small and simple technical things like basic computer use, phone use, internet use, etc.
6. Not HAVING to depend on someone else to supply our livelihood - we CAN if we so choose, but I'm not mad at those who do, but being in the position to not HAVE to is better than most folks have it going

I say all this because it's true and there's more benefits, but on the real guys today I had an interaction with someone that showed me even though we may be pissy cuz: we are not fully appreciated on our job, we are struggling in our graduate programs and think this ish is for the birds, we can't find a job for eighteen months...whatever our beefs collectively and individually, it could be worse. We could be somewhere with kids in the ghetto trying to make it with no education and no resources, no training, no ability beyond our own ability to speak and say we ain't got shit...we could be there, but by God's grace, we're not. That became such a sureal realization to me today - we could be there, but we're not. The other 99% of the world has it worse ya'll - much worse, and the saddest thing about it is that many of them will NEVER get out of their current situation. Many of them will never get the chance at the education. Many of them will never get more resources, will never get more than a blue collar job making minimum wage or less - they will have to struggle unless they win the lottery or get swept off their feet by someone in a white horse...that's reality for a lot of people...

So don't take it for granted.. Being young, black, gifted, educated AND WE GOT JESUS....AND HEAVEN - it ain't so bad ya'll....it ain't so bad.

Abstinance

2006-11-01T07:26:00.000-05:00

Abstaining from...

The morning news problem I watch said that the government is about to start a similar campaign that coined the Raegan 80's slogan "Just Say No" only this time it's not about drugs, but about sex...

Out of 1.5 million babies born in some short period of time in the US, 1 million of them were born to unwed mothers. This is the statistic that has big brother a bit upset - unnerved. I find it interesting...

Our culture is flooded with sex on every level - education, entertainment, recreation...almost every area of our society is saturated with it. We use it to sell cars, clothes, encourage gym memberships. It has monopolized pop culture. And now, when we see the result - that 2/3 of the children in this country are born to unwed parents we get a bit miffed...NOW it's an epidemic - when there are children being born...hhmmm so what was it before?

2006-10-31T13:04:00.000-05:00

I just love us....

Remember when...

2006-10-31T12:34:00.000-05:00

Mariah Carey sounded like the black girl she is? I was listening to the flashback lunch on my local radio show and theyplayed "Some Day" from her first album - it was one of her first videos if you can remember - the video had a little bi-racial girl that was supposed to be her and she got shunned by a boy and the whole song is about how one day he was going to want the one he gave away.

Anywho I was listening to the song and didn't know who the singer was...that's how long it's been since she's sounded like that - authentic. Her career went a completely different way and so I googled some old pics from that era and if you compare them side by side it looks like she's had cheek implants and a lip plumping too

that makes me slightly sad. It's like she got de-souled, removed from the R&B charts to hit the bubble gum pop circuit....dang. Lost another one...

and it keeps on...

2006-10-30T15:02:00.000-05:00

This weekend while at home in Cincy I walked out to my car and some random man who had been driving by stopped his car and said "Do I have to have permission to speak?" And I thought, 'huh?' and looked in the car at him. He was in his early forties and I almost gagged. I said "what?" then he asked again and I said "No you don't." and went about getting out of my car what I wanted. He was frustrated I guess with my response, since I didn't pull the "hey there sugar daddy, you can talk to me anytime!" he drove off... my thing is this - if you think I'm not "legal" then keep on driving man - why would you even flirt with statutory?

Then today as I was walking to the bank I was stopped by one of two metro drivers who were standing on the corner of broad and high, waiting for their buses to come by and one said to me. "You just gon walk by and not speak?" I looked at him and said hello and then he said "So I guess you don't remember me huh? We went to school together!" Ya'll...he was also in his early forties, with more gray hair than my mother on his head. I almost puked again. "Uh, no!" I said and the other guy laughed. My thing here is this - you KNOW DAGGONE well you could be my father, and yet you want to holla at a honey dip/pyt anyway...come on brah...did I LOOK like I wanted that?

I think somewhere along the way - maybe in the last week I lost my "Don't even think it vibe" that I used to have - the one that would scare those suitors away...where oh where did I put it, cuz if it means daily quips from ill-intentioned brothas I'm not on it. Where'd my sign go that says "don't mess with me?" huh? what did I do with it...????

On my way back from the bank I had to walk through an alley because of construction that was being done...and to my horror I walked by three former co-workers at the firm that rejected me back in 04 after two years of slaving for them. I prayed "please Lord let them not recognize me.." and to my delight, as I walked two feet past them the only one who knew my name turned against the wind so he did not even see me pass. Hallelujah...really.

With two hours left of the day I'm going to read conlaw basics here at my desk to help further prep for my future...amen

Old School

2006-10-30T12:21:00.000-05:00

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" is playing on the radio right now. When I was little, before my parents let me have a tv in my room I had a little radio and I'd listen to it as I went to sleep. This was back when radio and tv stopped playing at a certain time at night - like midnight or something. Thriller would be the last song played every night and it would freak me out - mainly the voice at the end that would talk and then you'd hear a horrible laugh. I had terrible nightmares. The guy's name who did the voice was named Vincent something...

But listening to vintage MJ makes me reminisce about the old days. MJ was the first musical genuis I think. No one of any color or genre sounded like him and his performance value exceeded that of many others before or after. I love his music - leaving all personal stuff alone and out of it - the guy made good hits. Second was Prince - whose performance and musical ability/instrumental talent also put him in the genius category too...

Today

2006-10-30T08:48:00.000-05:00

Michael J Fox is coming to town to endorse the democratic candidate for Senate who is in support of stem cell research - a topic which many right wingers are staunchily against. I don't know all the details, but I know it's pitiful that Rush Limbaugh made the statement that on a national ad MJF hadn't "taken his meds"...come on Rush. Let's try to stay away from all talks of medication do's and don'ts - especially when considering on more than one occassion you've been caught with someone else's prescription...

Political ads are disgusting and I'm glad we've got only a little over a week left til we all punch our boxes or make our x's and then it's done. It's ridiculous how petty these things are getting. Clearly illustrating that all candidates apparently learned nothing in kindergarten...

Hallow's Eve is upon us and I have not yet bought candy for the chaps in the hood...technically we don't live in the hood anymore and I'm not sure if there are actually any chaps...

Shout out to Da Man - I was in the Center of Hale last night and ran into a spirited young man who I'll call T who was talking about people who are motivating and he listed you as one of those people he aspired to have a character like - he was saying that people like you inspired him to be "better" and do things to help people and make a difference - that folks like you were part of the reason why he ran for student government at OSU. So I thought I'd pass that along via blog cuz that's the hotness...

I will be spending the next two weeks feverishly studying constitutional law and federal procedure - please pray for me!

Holla
B

retraction

2006-10-27T11:44:00.000-04:00

sorry for my sappiness - I'm praising God. I got the job. $50k/year full benefits. start date asap.

Ok now that i have more time to write. I am completely amazed - I had resigned myself to not having the job. I really did. I had filled out the paperwork for the other job, stopped myself from cyring three or four times here at my desk because I had begun to believe that nothing more was coming for me.

Funny thing - last night when I was boo - hooing in hysterics in my tub - cuz that's where the best boo-hooing happens - I heard "It's all coming." and I thought. "Lord, if that's you, please let me know cuz that could be me and right now it looks like nothing is coming..."

Yes D, I will humbly take your "I told you so - because you did." I owe you a check for that ;) but in all sincerity thank ya'll for praying for me and with me. I had folks crying for me in addition to praying and I appreciate it - I truly do.

Now, it's time to wake my brain up and get it back into gear I guess...constitutional law and civil procedure. pray for me on the civ pro ya'll - it wasn't my easiest venture in school - stuff like that doesn't come easily to me. But prayerfully that will change soon.

So yes, I retracted not one, but two posts - foot in my mouth all the way up to my thigh. Say thank ya.

B

Question

2006-10-26T12:10:00.000-04:00

Ok so all four gospels tell an account of a woman breaking a very costly thing of spikenard and anointing Jesus with it. Scholars don't like to say all four are of the same event because of the contradictory accounts between the four of them.

John says that the woman is Mary (of Mary and Martha - sisters of Lazarus)
Luke says the woman is a "sinner"
Matthew and Mark's story closely resembles that of John's so folks often say that those three tell the same story, but the Luke account is a different woman.

All four show that folks grumbled because she used such an expensive oil on Jesus that could have been used for the poor. John says it was specifically Judas Iscariot. (Remember that John likes to attribute things directly to or against people)

Two or three of them state that the house is that of Simon - the Pharisee...interesting though is that in Luke Jesus addresses his host as "Simon" and says "You..."

I'm confused then - if the luke account says it's at the house of simon and everything else happens that takes place in the other gospels then I would think that it's talking about the same event too... because how "conicidental" would it be that Jesus was at the house of a man named Simon both times and that a woman did the exact same thing?

I think this is why folks are quick to say that the gospels aren't all talking about the same event - because if they said that, then it would mean that the four gospel writers do not all remember the event the same way - that someone is a little off... I don't think that we HAVE to say that is the case though. The reality is, that Mary COULD have been a "SINNER" and someone Jesus delivered, which would explain how she seems to sit at his feet more than her sister Martha who liked to serve... and it COULD also be the case that only John remembered who asked the question about why she wasted the costly perfume... I don' t know.

What do you think?

No one played

2006-10-26T10:12:00.000-04:00

So I took the game down :(

psych ward

2006-10-26T09:06:00.000-04:00

I found out last night that my great grandfather assaulted an orderly at his nursing home. They have put him in the psych ward where he is closed off and possibly restrained. I think that is sad. He's a WWII veteran and since his Alzheimer's diagnosis seven or so years ago he's had a few flashbacks. He chocked my great grandmother once for cheating on him with some "gigalo" - he did this two years ago, which is why he is in the home now, but the incident sounded like it happened when he was away at war - so that was over fifty years ago. They don't know if his medication needs to be updated or what but he physically attacked someone the other day - hence the restraints and the psych ward. He's still a strong man - his mind is just gone. yeah so that sucks.

It's hard to be Faith Full

2006-10-25T16:45:00.001-04:00

when you're in the middle of the flu that you picked up from your 90 year old grandmother, waiting on a phone call while trying to keep the crackers and gingerale down, at work for a half a day because if you don't you can't pay bills a week from now, waiting on the clock to strike five pm which will put you that much closer to home and chicken noodle soup broth and the phone call that you hope comes today because the chief told you when you called an hour ago that the director is going to make his decisions by day's end...when earlier you noticed your own hypocrisy and cringe at the fact that you preach and you teach and in moments of opportunity for an actual demonstration of His love you hesitate, hear the Spirit softly whispering 'what do you say it for?' and when you cried earlier after checking your phone nonstop for the past two days wondering if you'd ever get out of the hell hole all you heard was 'wait' and you didn't know 'wait' for what until you called the chief and he was in a meeting so he had to tell you on the go that the call was coming tonight and then you said 'oh' maybe that's why

Laughable II

2006-10-24T10:43:00.000-04:00

Ok...so look at today. I am already on edge awaiting the phone call from the state PD's office. I drank a coffee which had WAY too much caffeine in it. I'm jittery now and that's not cool. Caffeine gives migraine growers like me worse headaches...but I drank anyway - a medium latte. I wanted a small though.

So I'm already jittery. I look in my purse and see that I have left my wallet at home. This means I can't get out of the parking garage because I have no cash or cards to get cash. Thank goodness for Lu who is going to bring me my wallet.

And perhaps the wallet bringing was facilitated by the Lord, because five minutes later, I was rushing in the bathroom (caffeine jitters I tell ya) and as I was pulling my skirt down I ripped the slit in the back further up...the slit was already one of those fashionably high in the first place...it ripped so high up that anyone walking behind me could see a glimpse of glory... so I had to add "and please bring me a skirt" to the list of things Lu is bringing.

I am now sitting in my chair on a stapled skirt slit, trying to fend off the shakes while awaiting my supplies...

News Update

2006-10-24T09:38:00.000-04:00

Ok - so some stories have updates:

It turns out that the kid who was killed in the OSU elevator was killed because the elevator was 1,000 pounds past capacity. He was the last one to get on and was killed instantly when the elevator buckled under the pressure. 24 people were on the elevator - it looks like the kids were trying to see how many they could squeeze in there. How they got past 15 I'll never know cuz those elevators are small, but I am sure that the 23 survivors will all need intensive therapy for quite a while - that has to suck. His funeral will be today.

Wesley Snipes was located - turns out he's in Malowi (can't spell it) shooting a film. This country has no extradition law though, so as long as he stays there he'll be fine and outside the long arm statutes of the US. If he steps foot on American soil, however, he's going down. Some say that all that tax evading means he should have quite a nest egg available to build a home in his hideaway...only thing is most of them folks over there are brown and dark black...so given his preferences he may be alone for a very very long time.

I found out that one of the meanings of the word "vile" is 'excreta' or excriment (again spelling may be wrong). For a moment I felt bad because I had characterized someone as vile. I'm considering whether I want to retract that characterization. At the moment I don't want to - that's what I think. Now I would not have initially characterized him as "poop" but vile sounded right. At the moment I am taking under consideration the semantic issue and what I'd like to do with it.

My parents are going down to my siblings' school today to work out the situation with the teacher/principal who failed to call my parents about the event when it happened yesterday. My stepfather has told my little sister that if the boy messes with her again she has his permission to woop his tail back. She said she tried to get a lick in yesterday, but he blocked her. No doubt she was a little stung from catching her first steal to the eye/nose. My mom wants to talk to the teacher and the parents of the child today. I suggested anger management sessions with the school counselor for the little boy that punched her. Regardless, if the situation is not clarified, my parent's lawyer :) will be making an appearance on Friday...perhaps their social worker :) as well...ain't it good having trained professionals in the family!?

All Hallows Eve is coming up. There's a lot of debate about whether to let Christian children participate in events such as candy collecting and haunted house trapsing during this time...me personally? I think if you educate your kids about what the deal with halloween is and keep them educated you're doing well and give them the choice of whether they want to dress up and beg for candy or not. A lot of our "Christian" holidays are celebrated on days where pagan holidays were celebrated so that we could blend in and not be persecuted, so if you ban a child from snagging sugar while dressed like Big Bird, you may as well not celebrate Thanksgiving (a holiday that represents the opening event of the downfall of a whole nation of people), Valentine's Day (a day where pagan sex was the way to honor the 'gods' of love and people got to hook up with a new hottie for a year until the next Valentine's day) and Christmas (a pagan festivals in which false gods are honored through the decoration of trees which were purchased for that purpose). Granted we've all inserted our own meanings for these holidays, respectively: celebrating religious freedom in a "new" land; celebrating and appreciating our special someone; and celebrating the birth of Christ about three-four months later than it happened so as not to be quartered, burned in oil or fed to the lions... On the whole halloween issue, I like to be scared - to a point - the constructed scary stuff - not the real stuff. I get fidgety watching CSI and other law and order type shows that pull their plot lines from real headlines, but running through the woods while being chased by a person who resembles a fictional movie character with a chainsaw? that's the "fun scary" similar to the feeling I get when riding a roller coaster...yeah.

Anywho, that's updates from B.
Holla

I tell you

2006-10-23T18:59:00.000-04:00

Some five year old little boy named Cornelius hit my little sister in the face at school, giving her a black eye and a nose bleed. I am pissy about it and the school did not even alert my parents about it. My stepdad picked her up from school and saw her shiner and heard about the nose bleed.

People suck ya'll. People suck.

A little side note. My little brother was walking through the hall after my little sister was socked in the face. He asked her what happened and she said someone hit her in the face. At the end of the school day he and a friend of his rush to her classroom and find out from my sister's best friend what went down. My little brother and his friend then RAN to the front of the school to find the kid who did it...he was already gone. That's a good thing - because my little brother has been training in Karate for the past 5 years and has great and accurate technique...

The 'e' is silent

2006-10-23T14:43:00.000-04:00

today a stranger on the phone called me by my name but put an 'ie' sound on the end of it. Like adding a 'y' to the word "short" and having it become 'shorty'. or a 'y' to fluff and getting 'fluffy'... the e people...it's silent...it really is

And I don't mind people I love calling me that or my family members - no big deal. But a stranger who has seen my name on paper and has heard me answer the phone at work saying "blh blah this is (name no 'ie sound') how can I help you?

God Don't Like Ugly

2006-10-23T12:14:00.000-04:00

No, He doesn't. Today in reading I found...

Woe to him who builds his house without righteousness and his upper rooms without justice, who uses his neighbor's services, without pay and does not give him his wages.

Who says I will build myself a roomy house with spacious upper rooms, and cut out its windows, paneling it with cedar and painting it bright red. Do you become a king because you are competing in cedar? Did not your father eat and drink and do justice and righteousness? Then it was well with him. He pled the cause of the afflicted and needy; then it was well. Is not that what it means to know Me? But your ryes and your heart are intent only upon your own dishonest gain, and on shedding innocent blood and on practicing oppression and extortion. Jer 22:13-17 (New American Standard Version 1960)

And in Habbakuk 2:12 it says "Woe to him who builds a city with bloodshed and founds a town with violence!" (NASB 1960)

This tells me what? That God doesn't like it when folks build things - whether it is a town a city, an empire - a MINISTRY with methods that are in opposition to justice and mercy - fairness. Motives are a mug ya'll. As a tag on to today's earlier post, I really got ruffled when a friend put me and someone else in the same grouping of people who are "giving back." Aside from the disgusting bile that typically arises in my mouth at his mention, I don't want to be considered as being the same kind as him. I've seen him start ministries out of anger and bitterness, hoping to have something of his own that other believers could not touch and for him to even say those words in presenting ministry to other people. I have seen him set foundations based on anger and using underhanded methods and when people only see the "anointed" outcome they send praise and adoration his way, not knowing that the cornerstone on which some of his endeavors are set was laid on the backs of those whose gifts he used then discarded once he got where he wanted to be and his cause received noteworthy acclaim and financial backing from other institutions. I don't want to be associated with that - that's not why I got started in ministry and Bible studies and retreats - it sure wasn't for financial gain, status gain or started out of spite while using those I loathed to help set it up and then excusing them when I could handle it on my own.

Lately I've been seeing what a contradictory system we exist in - the Christianity hub. And as day by day I'm brought face to face with my own falicies, I am extremely saddened by the ways in which we as a body are pimping the blood of Christ to make room for our own endeavors and then pointing a righteous finger at the world, standing in opposition to what we believe are abominations and indiscrepancies worthy of damnation and yet see nothing of our own hypocrisy and ridiculousness. The OT says so much about the heart of God toward the things we are doing today - charging for prophcies, holding mega conferences for the sake of feeding over-indulged and full believers who only wish to see how they can complete a miracle through their own hands and then "humbly" say "Glory to God" when its done. It urks me how little we truly know about the Lord.

I am seeing now how much of God's views of us relates to what we do - not the acts of righteousness we do like prayer and fasting and all that, but what we do for others - for people who have nothing, who are without a surplus of people who love them - for people who are without resources physically and spiritually. God Himself, through the mouth of one of His prophets said that pleading the cause of the afflicted and needy is what it meant to really KNOW Him. Shouldn't that passage and many others draw us to have a different conclusion about what we are doing with our lives and our resources? I think so. I really do.

And what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

Today

2006-10-23T10:10:00.000-04:00

Weather:

It is snowing here. Wow. I'm looking out my window and I can see several people in other buildings staring out of their own. It's snowing and not only snowing, but snowing sideways. It's barely the end of October and the snow is out. I neglected to bring a hat or scarf today.

Top Story:

Over the weekend an OSU freshman was killed in an elevator shaft. That made me sad. I have not heard all the details yet as they haven't been released, but the kid was trying to get up to his floor and when he got off got mutilated. I think it may be the same dorm where another student committed suicide a couple years ago, but I could be wrong. They were both on the south side and were both freshman dorms. NOW of course OSU will be checking the danger in their other elevators on campus.

Upcoming Elections:

Political campaigning has hit an all time low in regards to being able to say that people are running clean campaigns. It's ridiculous. Maybe, just maybe if they spent half as much time actually DOING something in the communities they claim to represent they'd have less need to worry about bad-mouthing each other. What if all voters boycotted- just decided NOT to choose either candidate in all of these races? The poo would hit the fan...it would.

Sports:

OSU kicked some serious tail Saturday which sets up a perfect match for us and them (Michigan) as the 1 and 2 stackers in the BCS. (though another poll had them nasty wolverines at 3) and the Bengals pulled out a must win over the Panthers - now they are tied for first in the AFC with Baltimore. All in all a good day for Ohio football. Oh...what about the Browns? Did I forget them you ask? No. I did not. :)

Personal Life of B:

Knitting, daydreaming of a life more shiny and still awaiting the phone call from the PD. I am a bit bummed though because my spiritual mentor is placing me and her son who believes I am the devil in the same vicinity again. I hate it. I love and respect her dearly, but her son to me is vile and I have no desire to be anywhere near him. It urks me - his slime and oil has stayed out of the limelight as far as she's concerned - she knows not of the evil he harbors in his heart about me - she's heard from me, but no one wants to believe the worst about their oldest child. I don't want to go and have not prayed about whether I should - like other things - added to the long list of personal prayers I'm not making - and ironically, yesterday a friend came up to me before Bible Study and paid me a complement while at the same time paying a complement to this same male acquaintant - it felt like we were in the same category and it made my skin crawl, really it did.

Holla

Eee hee

2006-10-20T08:40:00.000-04:00

Today I am rocking the Mike Jackson. I didn't do it intentionally. I mean, I consciously chose white socks and black loafers, but I did not realize I was Mike til I was in my car and out of the corner of my eye while downshifting I noticed that my feet resembled those of the king of pop. Needless to say I am quite embarrassed at my lack of fasion sense.

The small coach, big "other" bag phenomenon appeared again, this time in my buildling. A girl had an ABSOLUTELY beautiful small coach hobo. (the hobo is my favorite style as well, but I'd rather have the large version) But of course, the small COACH hobo cannot hold a lot, so she also had a bigger black bag to counteract her small, yet fashionable purse.

Check your tires folks. We roads make for nasty conditions for poor folk.

Holla

maybe not so good news...

2006-10-19T16:30:00.000-04:00

the chief called me today and apparently the director wants to know about my summers clerking for the firm i worked for during law school - the place that didn't give me an offer. I wanted to avoid this subject entirely, but that's what you get for having experience at a forture 500 firm and then not getting asked to work there after 6 months and $40,000.

so he asked me what was up with them - if I'd gotten an offer and I told him no and why - it wasn't a good fit - something that was apparently obvious to them and me by the end of my second summer.

now he's checking my references LW at the Hale Center, J Merch - my old mentor and a couple others. None of them are at their office or answering their phones.

It sucks that once again this whole past job no offer thing might bite me right in the butt. It makes me sad...

MY Own PR

2006-10-18T09:38:00.000-04:00

Ok, my face almost fell off because of the relief I just felt.

So, when I first interviewed with the PD's office I was told by the chief legal counsel that if anyone else offered me a job to call him and let him know and he could "unofficially" let me know whether I should take or not take the other offer.

Yesterday my boss here let me know that he wants to get the ball rolling to get me in here permanently. I felt anxiety because I did not want to reject a job saying "I'm too good" or anything like that, but I want to practice - that's why I went to school and it's what I want to do.

So yesterday I called the guy I interviewed with and I got some happy news this morning!!! :) I have my second interview with them today at 12:30pm. I am soooo excited you guys - I really am!

It still leaves me with the slight isse of what to do about talking to my boss here...technically I'm only a temp so it shouldn't be that big a deal right? who knows.

BuT check this - the fund that pays for me to be a temp has run out and the central accounting woman said that the check I'll get tomorrow will deplete the fund... now my boss has the ability to replenish the fund with the click of a key... I don't know if he will though. We shall see.

GREAT FIGHT SONG

2006-10-18T08:48:00.000-04:00

song by Cool Ray called "Michigan Who?"

Check it out - it's grand.

In the news today....

2006-10-18T08:37:00.000-04:00

Walmart is opting to take over China with its supercenter stores, adding food selections like fresh eel, fish and other Chinese delicacies. They now want to expand their low wage labor to the largest people pool in the world - capitalism at its best...but in a communist country...top that England!

Secretary Rice has made it clear that the US will use its full force to protect Japan and South Korea if North Korea gets rowdy with the nukes. Basically, we don't want all them Asian folk having Nuk-nukes. We have them - a whole boatload of them but we don't want others to have them...come on us let's play nice.

Wesley Snipes got got for tax evasion - turns out he lied on his tax papers on $12,000,000 worth of dough. He now faces 16 years. Welcome to black world son, welcome.

My little sister mooned her class a few days ago - not a full moon - she had her drawers on. The sad thing is, I laughed.

The Pumpkin Show kicks off today and I am going on Friday and possibly Saturday too!!! Kudos to all who will travel with me, smashing the stereotype that black folk don't know country!! Come on now!

First Amendment

2006-10-17T12:39:00.000-04:00

I had a post about Milli Vanilli but this is more important so that got squashed...

A woman in georgia was given a ticket for having a bumper sticker that said "I'm tired of all the BUSH*T playing on the word "bullsh*t" and president bush. Can you believe that?! That somene would get pulled over ticketed and given a court date for that?

Congressmen are playing perverted tiddlywinks with little boy pages, women are cutting babies out of stomachs and teen pregnancy and std occurrences are out of this world, yet someone has something sarcastic about the president and she gets arrested...lol